The Rant Book

Mother knows best... (Don't know if I'll post)

Hiiiii

So this is gonna be a pretty tough chapter...not gonna lie about that. And truth is I'm probably gonna face a lotta hate or backlash for posting this but truth is whatever anyone says is gonna go off like water off a ducks back...and I'm gonna consider it irrelevant and go on with my life.

so.

as you can tell by the chapter title it may or may not be about a particularly important person in most people's lives...and that's moms.

I mean, technically you couldn't even BE on this planet without your mom! like she had to carry you around for nine months and push you out and everything....yeah your mom is pretty important.

and truth is when I was younger I LOVED my mom don't get me wrong! I wanted to be her, in whatever way that I could. She was my role model, and my rock.

*now before I go on*

I'm not gonna say at any point my mother hasn't done anything for me. I'm not denying that she hasn't worked her ass off for me. Truth is, she's been able to raise both me and my brother herself, have a full time job and do other commitments as well!

*back to the rant*

so today I felt the need to rant about my mother because she is such a prominent figure in my life, she is also what makes it hell sometimes.

allow me to explain.

1. The Door

Ah the door (read previous rant to find out more about this wonderful item). It's probably what we fought about daily for a while. Constantly I had my door closed. And of course, I did it to allow me some privacy and keep my brother OUT.

But of course my mom can't seem to understand the meaning of "personal space" and she believed that the door was literally shutting everyone out and blah blah blah. (I'm not gonna talk about this too much cuz you can just go back one to read my thoughts about this whole situation)

2. The Guilt Trip

No, I'm not talking about the movie (it wasn't a BAD movie mind you). I'm talking about the fact that every time I don't do something say, like put away the dishes or do the laundry or some chore of some sort my mother feels the need to go into a massive lecture that guilts me into doing whatever she wants! And the problem is, is that if I say no, then I might as well walk to the cemetery near my house cause I'm as good as dead.

She also does this after yelling at me and if I don't "apologize" for what I did! She GUILTS me into whatever she wants and it's always "I've done so much for you and THIS is what you give me in return?" It's why I am silently refusing to tell her about any of my math grades because she's only going to do the whole thing allll over again and to be absolutely honest I'm sick of it.

3. My mother: a mom, a chemist and...a lecturer? Or megaphone person? maybe both...??

Yeah, like I mentioned my mom lectures...A LOT. Literally, I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't get lectured or even better (note sarcasm) YELLED at. Literally, she'll yell at me in the car before school and I'm sitting there and being like "kk you do you" especially cause she gets even more mad at me because apparently it's "going over my head"

well here's the thing.

when you get yelled at as often as I do....you eventually learn to become immune to it. especially when it's done right before school. cuz usually I walk through the doors and I put on a huge-ass smile and no one knows what happened. even though there have been times that my mom has yelled at me, or said something to the point where it's made me cry...which leads into...

4. The Words

See my mom doesn't talk with a filter when she's angry. In fact, I don't think anyone does! But see what comes out of her mouth isn't necessarily the TRUE source of her anger (it's me, and I know that) but it's the words that come with it. Allow me to explain...

one day way back when I was in the car and of course my mom was yelling at me (i never even remember what she yells at me about ever) and she called me a piece of trash. And I kinda just sat there and thought "wow thanks" and thankfully we were at school by that time. This time, I couldn't put a smile on my face...I couldn't do anything.

The thing with words is that anyone on wattpad or any of my friends for that matter could call me a piece of trash: I would just sass them out or flip them off and just tell em to fuck right off. I have an armour for that. But the second it comes out of the mouth of someone like a family member (in this case: mom)....it gets past all the armour and you feel like absolute shit.

and that day I CRIED. I cried at school because it was so fucking hurtful I couldn't do it anymore. I have felt like absolute crap in the past...but this was one of the lowest points of my life and I didn't know if I could do it anymore.

5. The Poking

Now my mom doesn't LITERALLY poke me. But she pokes at my body (not in a teasing way or in a way that sounds teasing....). Basically she'll point out flaws that she can find and make me feel like crap.

For example: it's a hot day last summer so of course I wear SHORTS. Now the problem with my body is that I got slightly thicker thighs than the average but I'm okay with them. So anyway I get into the car, and the first thing my mom does is point at my leg. I thought she was just gonna point out a bug or something but she then precedes to say: "See how your thigh is bulging when you sit down? You really need to tone there....etc."

alright now there's a couple problems with this whole situation:

a. Newsflash: WHEN YOU SIT DOWN YOUR THIGHS EXPAND TO SIZE OF TEXAS OKAY.

b. AGAIN. When you sit down THINGS CHANGE OKAY.

c. WHY ARE YOU COMMENTING ON MY BODY IN THE FIRST PLACE LIKE?!?/! NEVER ASKED FOR UR OPINION

my motto lately with my body is that the only people who are allowed to have an OPINION on my body are: myself and the doctor. Cause the doctor can tell me if I'm overweight (which surprise surprise: I'M NOT)

And truth is I feel like part of the reason she does this is because her body has changed a lot. I saw a picture of her when she was 13....she was a stick! And now of course, after puberty and having kids and stuff she's gotten curvier. And I don't think she likes it. So of course, because she's bashing her body, she's also bashing the body she gave me...

And I will never forget how crappy I felt about my body this one time. So see, my mom had this gorgeous red dress that she had in uni, and it's one of those classic dresses (the ones that never go out of style *cue music* ANYWAYS). So I put on the dress last year and I even wore it to last year's semi-formal! I actually really liked the dress. Until my mom told me that she wore that dress when she was 22.

The problem was that part of me was glad that I fit into it and I thought: maybe I'm be this size when I'm 22! But in reality I felt like crap because my mom had obviously gotten through puberty at that point, and it terrified me to think I would be thicker than my mom post-puberty, and it made me feel terrible about myself because (relating back to the skinny thing) I realized that I will never be as thin as she ever was.

plus my mom also sees a lot of my dad in me....which means some chubbiness. And the problem is, is that I've gotten some of those body genes from him, unlike my brother who got the stick genes. So of course, because she always prods at my dad's body, she's gonna prod at mine too....

idek anymore....

well hopefully you guys are having a good week!

xx