The Rant Book

selfish shellfish

hello!

i haven't written in this thing for a while but whatever :')

SO ONTO MY RANT FOR TODAY (no it's not about shellfish even though i love seafood but the selfishness will pop give it time)

i'm not gonna lie to you right now. i am bitter. i am a bitter cup of black coffee, but, like coffee, depending on the circumstances (and possibly what other additives you put in) i can be pretty nice (well, i try to be nice always, since it's not nice to be mean...)

but i've recently thought about this connection.

does the fact that i'm bitter mean that i'm selfish?

lemme break this down for you.

so see the other day we were in class and i'm chillin and stuff but so far the day had NOT been going well (it wasn't even 10 o'clock) and of course when the teacher started being stressing i was like "miss i'm already having a bad enough day so can we not?" and truly i meant it as a joke (i mighta said other stuff afterwards idk), because we had an upcoming concert that night anyways so of course i thought nothing of it.

but then one of my (best?) friends jumps in and says "honestly can you go one day without complaining?" I kinda just stood there for a moment and i didn't know whether to just brush it off or to react if anything i was shocked.

*back story time!

so see the friend that had decided to make this remark has had it going pretty well for her (if you ask me). she's got pretty easy classes this semester (religion, music), she's got a boyfriend, friends, she's pretty, and of course this all probably makes her pretty happy right?

but right now i'm not having as swell of a time. right now i'm in one of the hardest semesters of my life (i have gr. 11 IB functions, french, science are the biggest stressers and music is pretty dece). i have a mom who's cracking down non-stop, i have an upcoming 16th birthday (my birthday- which btw is now less than a month away) that i don't know how to deal with, and currently i have three of my best friends leaving the school (one of them is moving all the way to frigen new york), and there's just a lot going on right now because it's may, and for some reason it almost always has to be the start of the most stressful time of the year (aka upcoming exams!) and of course i feel pretty lonely and crappy otherwise so to say i'm kinda in a rough patch would sum up what i said in the paragraph.

*back to the present

so in this moment i'm kinda standing there and i'm trying to figure out what to do and how to handle this, because if i scream at her it's gonna piss her off but at the same time i'm no fucking door mat, and i don't let people just do things and get away with them. i believe, like Newton's third law: "When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body." essentially: every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

so i just kinda was like kk and just walked away and got my saxophone cause i wasn't in the mood to fight.

but something about what she said ended up bothering me for the rest of the day. and i kept asking myself: was I being selfish? have i been acting selfish and not realized it?

plus earlier in the week, one of my friends asked me to explain something to her, and I tried but I then said "honestly, i need to get this done, I have a huge choir recording tonight, i don't have time." and obviously i wasn't thinking in the moment because she of course replied "well i got shit to do too man." and she went to go ask my other friend for some better explanations. i did help her out the next day, because we were out for lunch and we had nothing better to do.

and lately because of the stuff that's happened this week i'm scared that my actions are being taken the wrong way, or the way i'm acting is turning people off. but at the same time, if i bottle in my emotions, i'm just gonna end up like a ticking time bomb....and who knows who or when i'm gonna blow.

and honestly i'm not gonna lie: i'm stressed, and i'm trying my best to keep up with everything, let alone writing, because i've just run out of steam. every day i come home and i basically collapsed because i'm exhausted and drained but i have so much to do that it's like: where do i start? and by the time i do start it's too late.

i'm never gonna forget when one of my gr. 12 friends even said to me: "honestly i don't know how you do it- you do more then me!" and this is coming from a highschool SENIOR.

idk about anything anymore i've been pissy but i honestly can't help it and i know with some stuff i have to deal with head on but i honestly don't know if i can keep living like this. i'm sick of drama, and i'm sick of school and i'm desperately trying to be the best i can be but i'm falling apart. and i'm sorry if i'm letting people down because of my bad time management, and my other priorities but this is life and i'm really fucking trying to live it without shooting myself in the goddamn face.

hopefully you guys are having a good victoria day weekend! *good luck sleeping with the fireworks

xx