Get Out Of My Swamp!!! (Random Book)

i'm going to come out soon

yeah that's not scary at all (YEAH IT IS!!!!!)

honestly, i'm terrified and excited simultaneously, and wondering how that's possible. how is it exciting to think, "hey Lars, after this you might not be able to live with your family anymore"? it's not, but having to keep pieces of myself hidden, not getting to be myself and shine, that's so sucky that i think it's worth the risk. i mean, if my dad doesn't end up in the hospital with a heart attack or something. both of them will probably beat my ass, i'm not going to lie. the thought of coming out, after being too terrified to even think of it, is still a terrifying thought. but when i imagine myself as...well...myself...i get so excited at the possibility that i won't have to wait until college to begin expressing myself and my identity. getting to hear the name lars every day. getting called "sir." the thought of it is so exciting, it almost makes me forget the scary stuff. almost, but not quite.

i have friends whose homes i can raid without their parents knowledge and quite literally live in a closet. (i'm trying not to think too much about any possibility of having to do that, but the thought is still there, because it may very well happen. i've had several lovely friends offer me a place to go if worst comes to worst, or whatever that phrase is. problem is, i only know where one of those three lives, and none of their parents are aware of these offers, and if they were, they would call mine.

even so, i'm not quite sure i'll have to run. i know it's a possibility, and no possibility should be ruled out; however, my parents have their own personal reasons to never abandon me or my brother. they've told us they would never, ever abandon us; that being said, they would never dream of one of us being in the LGBTQ community, even though i had to cover it up once already... anyway, i like to think that if i explain how everything has made me feel, they might come around. they probably won't let me dye my hair blue or anything, but they might open up to letting me express my gender. or, you know, they could always stick my ass in conversion therapy or something. there's no way of predicting what will happen, but the one thing i do know is that i'm soooooo not ready. i'm going to wait maybe for a few months, until everything calms down with school and whatnot for me and my teacher mom. then, i'll message her during class, when she can't scream obscenities because she will be surrounded by five year olds. she might pick me up early and beat me to a pulp, but i kind of doubt it. i've written many different variants of my message on paper, but i have yet to write one i'm happy with.

i'll keep trying. look at references, and whatnot. get a little help from my friends. maybe it will go okay? i doubt that, but i'm tired of feeling so trapped, not only by myself and the truth of myself, but by everyone around me. i've gotten to the point where the pain of it is more like a lack of pain, a lack of joy, a lack of any real feelings. i feel hollow, i feel like every day has started to blur together, and i'm now just a robot going through the motions. i'm always told this is supposed to be the best time of my life, but it's to the point where i'm starting to think it might be the worst. unless i do something about it.

so i just might do that. i'm scared, but i have hope that it will work out. your thoughts, reader? i'd love for you to share them with me. i'll need help with this, and all the support i can get. (sorry that sounded very pathetic and needy. ignore that last sentence there.)