Get Out Of My Swamp!!! (Random Book)

I talk about my struggle for self acceptance & my role model

Gerards_Tiny_Teeth eli_g_cardin Brailynn14
"plummet as i sing"

     I try not to place my gender identity in places easily noticed, so as to keep it hidden if Mum were to get on here, but if you've read Get Out Of My Swamp enough, you might've seen mention that I'm transgender. More specifically, I'm female to male trans. And I'm asexual, which I'm very proud of, but I realize that no matter how many times I tell mum I don't want to bear children, she'll just say "You'll change your mind." Like bitch please you don't even know me. This chapter is the realest I can get, Lars Redmayne Grey. That's what I'm gonna change my name to one day. Soon as I move out. I'll finally get to be me. I won't be scared of people anymore. But anyway, yeah. My mother is accepting of nothing less than being straight cisgender and having the desire to have sex. Like, no I don't have time for that crap. Imma be too busy triggering people on YouTube talking about how gay I am. This isn't anything anyone's done to me. It's who I've been for so long, I've just been raised to ward it off. And I'm tired of it. I've always found girls more attractive than boys, but I've always said, "ooh I like this boy and that boy because he's nice to me"... yeah I got over that after sixth grade. I wanted a relationship, but not with any of the guys I knew. I thought they were ugly as fucc. I just assumed I hadn't met the right guy, and I would like a guy soon enough.

     And yeah, at first I thought I was pansexual. Because I hadn't learned of asexuality, or that you can still like people whilst being ace. Once I heard of asexuality, something in me just knew. It was me. And I wouldn't have known any of this had I not taken the initiative to look into it myself. And I wouldn't have looked into it had a friend and I not admitted to one another that we were both questioning, that we would date a girl. That conversation changed my life, but I doubt he even remembers it. "I think I might be bi," he told me (we were both cis girls at the time). I admitted I felt the same way, (because I'd developed a crush on a fictional character that was female, and had been questioning for a bit), and looked into it soon after. That night, actually, if I remember right.

     I then took to getting a secret Instagram and posting that good gay shit. Then mum found it, got pissed, I said I didn't know what I was doing, which I really didn't, now that I think about it. I just went along with the first word I found that sounded anything like me. I hadn't properly researched everything, and had fumbled along the way on my journey to self discovery. After I got off the Terrible Internet Ban Of 2017, I agreed not to even look at anything like that ever again. No more gay for me. And i was that way for a while. A good little girl. I still believed I was pan, but I didn't go all, "gay gay gay interweb search for gaaayyy" like I used to. And I still don't. But I knew, I still hadn't completely discovered myself. So I went into research mode again. Or rather, I went into self reflection mode. I sat and thought of what I knew, and what was wrong about me. And I thought, I'm a girl. That's what's wrong. I'm not a girl. So I must be genderqueer since I'm not a boy. And so it was for a while. I considered myself genderqueer. And as I went through the feeling of knowing I could never be myself, I received so much acceptance from friends. The people mum thought had roped me into gay hell. No, this wasn't anything anyone had done. I just took the initiative to find myself, because they gave me hope that it would be okay.

     The more I thought about it, I realized I was ace, and I'm still trying to figure out my romantic preference to this day. I'm strictly into females, or female born people. But anyway, yeah. That happened, and I still didn't feel like me. I reflected again on my life, knowing that although I played with dolls and watched princess movies as a child, I'd never felt like a girly girl. I'd always hated dresses and skirts and stuff. I'd never been happy with my body. So I thought, am I trans? And it took me forever to know, I am. So here I am. It's been about a year of questions to find myself. And I can't be for sure that I won't change any more. But I know that doesn't make me any less valid, or human. Just because I'm me, that doesn't mean I should be completely ashamed of it. Plenty of people accept me for who I am. The friend who I spoke of earlier? It turned out that he was trans, too. We're Closet Bros in similar situations. My friends use my pronouns, try their absolute best to avoid my dead name, and are just such a great thing for me when dealing with the "god hates fags" stuff at home. And I don't want to give a self-diagnosis, but I think I might have minor depression. Read my poetry if you want more on that...

     Now, to tell about my role model. Miles Aaron McKenna is such an amazing human being. (If you don't know him, he's a YouTuber. MilesChronicles, look him up) He is transgender, just like me, and unlike me, he's totally proud of it. He's so funny, and kind, and just makes me feel so good about myself. He makes me feel like I could be myself and everything would be great in my life, just for a moment I feel that way, then I'm back here in the real world. He's awesome. He's memey. He inspires me. He gives me hope that maybe not all of humanity totally sucks. And maybe it doesn't. But a majority of humanity I know totally does.

     My dream? To be myself. Lars. The oldest son. The boy who loves words. The boy who doesn't care what people think. And that's my thing. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I just don't want to be open about who I am when Mum could easily catch wind of it. That's what this all goes back to. My unending fear of her. She makes me hate myself, wish I were normal. She makes me want to change after I've worked so hard to accept myself. Yanno what? I kinda hope she reads this. I'm tired of being afraid of her.