Get Out Of My Swamp!!! (Random Book)

i need advice plz

(enjoy this rant and rad mix of My Chemical Romance)

okay.
so.
i'm thinking of coming out to my mum.
i write a note or four already, so like I'm ready to go.
but like i'm so scared.
why wouldn't i be?
my mum is absolutely terrifying.
but like,
i'm tired of sitting in the closet
a caged bird
with freedom practically in his fingertips.
you know what i'm saying?
yeah, you do. maybe. i dunno.
a lot of people have trouble understanding the feeling of being born in the wrong body.
it's just like...when you order chocolate ice cream and the waiter gives you strawberry.
"i'm allergic to strawberries," you tell them.
they laugh in your face and say "no you're not, you just think you are because it's the 'thing' right now."
like, what??? what is that? that's kinda how it is.
and they won't take back your order and they insist that you ordered strawberry.
you know you didn't but they won't believe you.
it's so hurtful.

anyway, enough of the useless analogy that probably doesn't even make sense.
i thought it was a beautiful analogy but that's besides the point.
i've been trying to think of an analogy forever.

but yeah i'm wanting to leave the note somewhere for my mum but i'm a scared boi.
i just need some help working up the courage.
i had a dream that my mum found out i was trans
and she had a panic attack
and i had a panic attack
but then i was like "yo wtf everything's chill now"

then i woke up and said to myself
"Lars, you strong independent young boi, you're going to come out if it kills you (or, alternatively, if you kill you)"
but i mean
i spent the whole day talking myself out of cutting
and i'm like "dude no tomorrow i'm definitely going to"
"i'll feel better then"
"yanno, other than the cut on my stomach"

sorry for that image.
i know it could trigger some peeps.
i talk about that stuff quite frequently because i think about it quite frequently.
anyways, sorry, i ramble a lot...
any advice for this thing because i really need it.
if mum won't accept me i have a place to go so it's all good.
but like
help me get some courage

joshuathealien how did you work up the courage to come out?
i'd kinda like to talk if you're online right now
pm me maybe?

but anyway
i wrote the letter for the fourth time today.
i've been trying to find the words for months.
i just don't know how to do it
or if i even can.
my friends mum found out that they were bisexual and got hecka triggered.
they woke up every day to bible verses and rants.
but like their mum kinda got over it i think?
and now my mum kinda hates them but like she never liked them anyways.
my friend keeps telling me not to come out but
i just feel like i'm trapped.
i'm trapped in more ways than one.
trapped in this body, and trapped in the closet.
i just wanna look the way i should:
like a boy.
i wanna look in the mirror and smile
just one time in my life.
you wanna hear something funny?
i don't give a crap if anyone thinks i'm a freak for being trans
except my parents.
everyone else i could handle
but not them
because i already feel like such a disappointment to them already.
i already feel like a freak
i don't need them to tell me because i know i am.
a freak, i mean.

but i mean, running away is hecka scary.
i would know.
my friend ran.
and obviously got caught.
they said i should never run away.
they said cops are scary.
and you know what i told them?
i said "cops aren't a damn thing compared to my mum"
they insisted, "cops are scarier than you think."
"so is my mum."

i feel so...unhealthy.
being scared of your own mum more than the cops is so unhealthy.
i feel like, if i come out, i might feel healthy again.

unrelated note but like dysphoria has been hitting me like a freight train these past few days. especially bottom dysphoria, which i don't typically experience as much. but like, dysphoria sucks. i dunno why anyone romanticizes being a non binary gender (which i technically am, considering i deviate from the norm in those things. i think i'm FTM and gender queer. is that a thing?).

anyway, dysphoria aside, please help this smol boi get some courage