Schizo: A Memoir

Major Life Decision

It's been awhile and I think it goes without saying that I suck at updating. I've been away making major life decisions and doing things that are supposed to enhance my quality of life. I don't know how pouring over a 254 paged document full of errors does that exactly but I'll play along. It is my own writing after all. Besides it just needs to be done. It's not finished but I'm reading through and editing to get back into the feel of things.

Those major life decisions??

I quit smoking...again. But this time I am not going to buy them or bum them off anyone. Seriously, I just added up how much I spend a month on cigarettes and it comes to a cartoon a month. Here in St. Louis a cartoon of the brand I smoked cost $50.00. That's money I could put towards things I love like books, art supplies, and writing stuffs! That's a weekend at the movies and then an arcade! That's...that's a really nice handbag and shoes from one of my favorite stores! Marshall's! Dammit – that's a 5-month gym membership!

On top of losing money to something that doesn't benefit me – it's destroying my health, my complexion and my ability to breathe. It triggers my Sciatica – I read that somewhere and after the bout I had with it a few days ago, I'm convinced it's true. And it's upsetting my kids...not to mention I smell like smoke and can taste the damn things even when I'm not smoking. I think that might be part of the addiction. Anyway – the madness has to stop and now is the time.

I did that thing I do where I stand in the mirror and have very long serious talks with myself and dare myself to talk back. I never do...at least not to my face. LOL But yeah, it got deep.

I asked myself a series of hard hitting questions like I was on trial and I pretty much am...what I'm doing is suicide and if I really want to be harsh with myself...murder. I know what I've been doing and the intent behind it. The reason is part of why I see a therapist.

I am suicidal. Somewhere in my life that became a huge factor for why I did the things that I do. Tired of failure and living and breathing. Tired of pain and turmoil and all the things that just make life hard. Tired of illnesses and diagnoses and medicine and the all-around unfair treatment I've received in life – I tried to take my life. I did not succeed, thank goodness but the suicidal tendency didn't stop. I still have those thoughts, I fight with them almost every day. I actively look for reasons to be alive now – I give myself things to look forward to, set goals and make plans and do my best to keep them. I try to hold myself accountable and if I can't I charge others to do it for me – because I don't like letting others down – but the fact of the matter is that sometimes I do.

What does this have to do with smoking? Or Murder or Suicide? I don't know that this will make sense to anyone. But the one thing I wanted to feel I had control over was my life. I wanted the option of whether or not I lived and when I left this earth. Selfish thinking and it is. You can say it. I do. For a long time – smoking was kind of an insurance policy that I would do what I set out to do in the beginning. Slow suicide. Would take a while, but it would happen. People would label it an addiction and not see the reason behind it.

Over the last couple of weeks...I've been having these talks with myself and confronting myself on the way I think and the things I believe. I'm stupid – simple as that. See no one tells you that after your first, second or third attempt at taking your life and landing yourself in therapy that the thoughts and feelings don't go away. I'll admit – I'm much different than I was way back then...but there was still something wrong with the way I thought and felt about my life. I just didn't see the value in it. It took a 16-year-old girl to say "I want my mom back."

For all the defenses and walls and smoke I was putting up my daughter saw through it all. She said, I want my mom back...as if I'd left and gone somewhere. She was right. I checked out. I wasn't all here. I was keeping myself busy with little things, getting involved with other things and still on my path of destruction. Because smoking was a way to control the way I left this world.

Call me every name in the book you can think of, I deserve it. It is a very selfish thing to do and way to think. Today, I made up my mind that I want to live. Today, I surrendered my life to my higher power and am hoping that it's not too little too late. There has been a shift in my thinking and the way that I feel about my life. All life is precious. There are people living with things that...well, that they'll never come back from. And there I was – God forgive me – trying to place myself amongst them.

I was my own intervention today...that's not all true. Jesus was there as well.

I do this thing where I talk and imagine the Lord standing beside me listening and talking back. He's very confrontational in my mind. He doesn't let me off easy, he asks me hard questions and expects answers. If we are going to debate a thing – I need to be able to back it up with something other than – "Because" or come with a solid reason for continuing on the path that I am...but I am always able to see clearly the things he says. Others would call this me debating with my self-conscience or just plain cray cray. But it's how I problem solve and get to the root of the problems I have. Not every conversation I have with Jesus is him telling me what to do or giving me advice but also – letting me know when I'm wrong about something, need to fact check or even check my beliefs on certain matters. Much like your friend would tell you to "pump your breaks" or "get to the bottom" or "calm down". I get that from him.

He warns me, sure. But the decision is ultimately mine to make. That's how this works. I'm not forced into a specific action or down a path – I have to choose. I don't know about what anyone else believes, I just know what happens with me until someone chooses to share what they do or who they are or what they believe. I'm open to learning. And right now – I'm open to living.

I've decided to see some things through. To look beyond my fear of living and of an uncertain future and to live with everything in me. I said before...that I fell in love with living life after my attempts. That was true, but there was always this thing sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear a bunch of what ifs and you won't be able to kinds of things. So today, I knock the devil off my shoulder and take a long hard stare in the mirror.

Earlier, Jesus asked me what I wanted out of life and how I planned to get it if I didn't want to live long enough to see my dreams come true. He asked me, why do this when the time you spend could be with family and friends...doing the things you love. How does this contribute to your quality of life? He said - Tyronica, the earth wasn't just made for the animals in and the other lives in it – but for you too. Explore it. And he ended with – Trust me and trust in me. I'll see you through this.

So I walk forward wanting to live and leaving the tools of my suicide behind. Planet Fitness is in my near future. Publishing is in my near future and ticking off a bunch of things on my LIVE List is too. My daughter gets her mom back. I'm here and I won't leave again.

I know I only have a few of these things left before I get to 100 so I'll try to make them good but there is one more thing I want to talk about before closing up shop.

And I'll put it here to remind myself of it.

But...it's also what I will be discussing with my therapist as I realized what I was doing today was putting myself into a healthy mindset. There always seems to be some kind of a downfall for me. I was sitting in silence today thinking over things...and the weirdest thing came to mind – I miss the voices. Not all of them mind you. But the ones that were positive. Weird I know and I'll talk about it all. I mentioned it to a family member and she said that maybe I missed the attention.

Definitely not. I've never been one that liked spotlights really. Only when acting Smh... I don't want to be sick again. I'm just saying I miss the positive voices I heard. The ones I was convinced were angels. *shrugs* this is why I'm in therapy – to deal with it all.

I hope you are all well, my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Treat yourself to something nice – I'm treating myself to a Snickers and Netflix. It's a start in the right direction. LOL Chocolate makes me happy.

Thanks for reading!  : )