Schizo: A Memoir

False Evidence Appearing Real = FEAR

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." –Romans 8:15

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." – 2 Timothy 1:7

"Now in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." – Romans 8:37

I have to constantly remind myself of who I am and what fear should be to me (non-existent). But often times I give in to fear. I struggle with it...a lot. But it is of comfort to me that God saw this happening in us and spoke to us not just to those folks at that time but across the ages to give us these words:

20 "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." – John 17:20-23

It makes me feel good to know that even someone as perfect as Jesus suffered from the effects of fear as well. When Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives he shook with terrible fear, he prayed that God would take his cup from him (that he would be spared from death) and he prayed so hard that his sweat fell like droplets of blood to the ground. But then he was comforted...he was strengthened to do what must be done and he went about his mission to bring salvation to the world. I feel a kinship to Christ in this. I do as Jesus showed us – not to remain in fear but to pray in those moments. To address the fear and to ask for strengthening, there are even times when I don't ask and I find myself under the Lord's Grace and Mercy.

There are times that I cry due to the fear I experience, sometimes so deep that I am weakened and physically exhausted in the end. BUT (ß there's one of those big buts again)...I find that he always comforts me because he knows my suffering, he knows my pain and my self-doubt.

I had stopped the practice of sharing my fears with people because I found that they liked trying to use them against me. So I stopped but I will share them here because I think it will help, want to put it out there for others to see and get out of fearful thinking.

-People forcing their fears on me or on my children and likewise me forcing my fears on my kids. I want to them to live productive and healthy lives and fear nothing and especially not carry my fears with them in their lives.

-I have a fear of not being accepted. I don't care if people don't like me or love me just as long as they accept and respect the human being that I am. Just as I accept and respect them.

-I used to have this fear of being alone. It's not so strong anymore because I realize that I'm never alone in my life and look at the bigger picture but every now and then – the thoughts come about relationships and being single but they aren't as overwhelming as they were.

-I have a fear of not living up to my full potential. Having so many outlets and skills and never using them to help the world heal. Which is something pretty big in thought but something as simple as talking to people helps as well.

-I have a fear of displeasing God with the things I do and don't do. One of the prayers I speak the most is to be able to see myself and others through his eyes.

-I also have a fear of letting people down. Particularly when I promise to do something and fail to do it, either because I forget, circumstances or not really wanting to. But I always find that when I go through the things I promise to do that they are learning experiences for me. I try not to flake often. Sometimes my moods just won't allow me to do the things I know I need to do and I'm trying to overcome this.