Schizo: A Memoir

Table For Two

Sometimes life deals us a hard hand and we are to try to make something out of nothing. That something we make can either make or break us depending on what we choose to breathe into existence. More than likely, you forge something positive through the fires of affliction. You wrought strong hearts, things that can withstand time, trial and tribulation. Hearts that know the preciousness of being tested and refined by life, hearts that only look fragile but can hold the weight of a thousand tons because of what it has been through. These people were clearly made for the fire and its refining process.

How I wish to be among them.

My heart is going through a refining and it scares me to death. I'm going to be completely honest here - as I always am with these things. My heart and I are not in a good place. It seems that the world wants us to be low key and depressed all the time. You'd think that knowing that would give me cause to fight. Well I am...to the best of my ability but the fight just feels like - an automatic motion. Something coin operated devices do once activated. Maybe that's not a bad thing...I wish I could convey this the right way. I guess what I mean to say is that there is no zeal for the fight. No 300-like excitement for the enemy and the outcome... "Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in hell" kind of attitude. I'll try this again later...I need to "refresh".

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What a difference a cup of coffee and the Lord makes!

Yes, we will dine in hell - figuratively speaking. All of this nonsense around me, from the hurt to the pains to the absolute evil that has presented itself on my doorstep...all of it will be feasted upon. I was not given a spirit of timidity. I was not given a constitution that would have me faint at every single little or big thing that happens to me and I was not given strength for it to be put on the back burner and used never. Life has been spoken into me!

~~My God, I know my life has been a lot of me failing to meet you where you are. I've been the cause of my own downfall and depression a time or two but this Lord, you gave me strength, peace and calm for a reason. You gave me a sure knowledge of who you are and what you do. You gave me a willingness and readiness to be guided by you and I give in to it.

I know that we are tested by the enemy. I know that sometimes you allow him to touch our lives just to show him who we belong to. I've read Job. And you asked the adversary to consider your servant and he had to see for him-self how unshakable his faith was. I feel very close to Job, I feel the struggle he went through, the pains of friends not understanding and the feeling of separation we get when we think you are angry with us when it's all just a test that we will be rewarded for at the end. I thank you for every opportunity you have given me, to give you praise. Forever your child, servant and friend.~~

Sometimes you just have to take the time out to do what your heart tells you to do. Now I admit that I am experiencing some trouble in my life but my heart is steady now, it is at peace with what has been given to me and I will make the best of my situations. I asked for this - please know, that when you ask God to intervene that he will do exactly that. I asked to be set free by the truth. I did. I prayed weeks ago that God would bring every bit of wrong to light and that is what he has done. I took this all to heart because it felt like punishment and I had to think - have I grown so comfortable with the lies I'm being told and have accepted instead of the truth that is staring me in my face. I didn't and don't want to ever be so enticed and comfortable with a lie that when the truth is spoken I am undone by it.

I know that I am not giving specifics of the situations. So I'll say this - my son and I are experiencing a strain in our relationship. He's 19 years old and believes himself to be a grown man. I say believes because he's still under 21 and isn't as legal as he believes himself to be. He had a run in with the police and has since shown me the child inside- he's afraid for his life. He and his friends had a problem with the police and the police let them know that the feeling was mutual. Now the kids insist that the police treated them as criminals when they were victims of some gun violence that happened one night - not too long ago - while they were out. Upon hearing the news my heart sank...this happened at the hands of one of the police stations here in St. Louis that has come under fire for the way that it treats its citizens. There are 12 total on that list of police stations that NEED and WILL HAVE TO DO BETTER. They are all under suit and when I heard that my son and his friends had fallen into their hands - my heart sank. All of the accounts of the boys are the same - they were threatened and had their rights abused.

My son does not want to live in Missouri anymore, so much so that he is making plans to move to Atlanta. I'm afraid for him. In his mind - if he runs away from the problem he'll be alright. That simply isn't the case and I need him to see that. He's afraid and he has a reason to be. The police have logged their faces, know who they are and have said that they will make it hard on them.

I thought - what is this world coming to. The police even told one of his friends- "You keep that shit in Ferguson, don't bring that over here." The boy, one of my son's friends, lives in Ferguson. As a parent I am upset, frightened and angered over this. My son was not where he was supposed to be when this happened. He and his friends were out doing something stupid - they all admitted to it and being shot at sobered them up. I'm angry at the treatment they received from the police and think that they could have handled the situation better. These kids were the victims...not innocent of their stupidity but they didn't bring about the actions of the shooter either.

We've filed an action with the ACLU for their help to stop things like this from happening again to other innocent teens and motorists. The police put more effort in interrogating the boys than they did in finding the shooter. So yeah my nerved are frayed.

Coming off of this - I had and am going through a personal crisis. One that has had me down since last week and on an emotional roller coaster for just as much time of the news I received. People, take care of yourselves. See to your health like you see to your kids - be vigilant with your check ups and doctor's visits and by all means do take care to educate and inform yourselves on your family history.

My life has been turned upside down with a diagnosis but it's not the end of the world. Though this stuff has been wreaking havoc on my anxiety I have been able to fend it off somewhat doing what I know how to do. I remember sitting in the little waiting area in front of a mirror that had a sticker on it that said "Fight like a girl." And I will. There is no reason to let this defeat me. No reason at all and if I can pass on anything from all of this - it's that people are not the titles others give them. You aren't your diagnosis, you aren't your illness, you are not a label and you aren't defeated.

So much of life is wasted worrying and stressing out about things that we can't change instead of actually living and enjoying your life the way it is. I'm learning slowly but surely to do that. I can't focus on the negative if I am going to be happy with what God gave me.

So yes....issues, problems, circumstances of the negative nature, we'll get a table for two because I like to eat in the presence of my enemies and even feast on them for dessert!

Let's set up a buffet so we can keep going back for more - just so that our enemies know our insatiable hunger and undying thirst. Let's fatten them up and look on them with a joy that only one who devours pain for breakfast can muster and when we are done we'll relish in our victory by tossing away the bones of our victims and asking for more! I've learned to see my problems, not as something set out to destroy me but to strengthen me. Something to teach me and give me a knowledge I didn't have before - good or bad. I thank God for hard lessons, that I may not be content in my ignorance and to know that he still loves me enough to discipline, correct and teach me.

Please see the same in your life - we only get one and we weren't promised ease in living it but to live it fully. When all else fails, pray over it, speak it out and see the warrior that you really are through it all.

As always,

Thank you for reading :)