Love is an open door that swings both ways. Sometimes you just want to feel with your heart what you experience with your eyes. Without all the lies and the phony disguise. We want experiences with life that rights every wrong that has ever been done to you.
I'm there today. I want this. I need this in my life.
I was thinking about past relationships and how they may have been stronger if I had been able to put to words what was wrong with me. How they may have survived if I had been well enough to say - this is what it is and I can't change that...rather than trying to cater to the desires of others so much that it hurt me in the process.
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Disclosure is a tricky thing. What do you say? How much do you share and when is a good time to do so? It's hard. You want to be honest and foster trust and truth in relationships then at the same time, you want to guard yourself against those who won't be as accepting as you want them to be. You can never tell, it's pretty much a case by case thing and not the cookie cutter form that people perceive it to be. But at what point do you put it all on the line and say "This is me...schizophrenia and all." At what point do you begin to trust a person with all of you and not just the bits and pieces you give them.
I likened it to windows downloads - you know - you install something new and it asks if you want these other features with it and you can either leave the box checked for yes or uncheck it for no. Pick and choose the elements you wish to have and leave the others. I think I'm doing that with the people I meet...ya know. It's like I'm saying - Ty comes with friendship, limited truth, and a nurturing spirit. And it's that limited truth that's killing me because it feels like I'm lying by not saying what my deal is. And then on top o that...I feel as if maybe...
Man...
I'm torn. A situation that I've managed to get myself into has me questioning some stuff big time. A gentleman who is much older than I am asked me out to the movies. This man attends my church and I know what you're thinking....and no. I'm not attracted to him. Not like that anyway. Plus, I don't go to church to find dates. Just not gonna happen.
But in my schizophrenic logic it got very deep and I started asking myself all of these questions, the main ones being..."Ty, if you find yourself in a situation where dating should occur with someone where the attraction is mutual...what are you going to do? And what are you going to say about your condition?
I have tried to answer this question for myself and I just keep coming up empty. It's a topic that I wanted to discuss here. I don't know if anyone reading has dealt with this before ...but I'll tell you how I feel. I've only had a few relationships since my divorce and they ended badly. One, in particular, comes to mind. Not because of what I chose to disclose or not to disclose but because this person just proved himself untrustworthy in my eyes. We were in that thing together and I'm not perfect, I think my poor decision making about this relationship had a lot to do with why we ended too. But he has to told everyone that we agreed to split...no harm no foul. But that's not true. A lot of damage was done that I had to get over. And in the end, I'm glad I didn't share as much of myself with him as I thought I should. I'm glad of that because things got a little nasty in the end.
