Schizo: A Memoir

Rewriting Life

Beverage: Coffee (burns tongue and lining of throat)

Air Quality: Cold (freezes arse but it doesn't fall off)

Mood: On top of the world!! (falls off)

Mindset: Complete (something for goodness sake!)

Activity: Creating (hopefully things that make sense)

Vision: Muddled (with stars, butterflies, rainbows, fairies and glitter – it burns!)

Time is a precious commodity. It can serve us well for several moments in our lifetimes or rob us of those precious instances with the blink of an eye. I feel like this has happened to me. Like I took my eyes of my children momentarily and in that split second they grew up...driving cars and what not, attending Japanese classes, cooking their own food and making me some too all while enjoying their social lives. Meanwhile, mom has no social life...nooo. Mom has a writer's life where mostly it feels like seclusion and reclusiveness. I forget that I actually need to live my life in order to have the experiences to interpret into stories for all those lovely people to read. Hell, even if I didn't write – I'd still need to live my life!

/Sigh/

The last few days I've been sitting down to write and have come up with some pretty good stories and poetry. But I gotta tell ya – I feel a little dated. Like...oh what's the word...obsolete? I've been reading some works of the a few young authors (I really don't know what the difference is between being a writer vs. an author – they both do the same thing and are just as passionate as the other when it comes to their craft.*shrugs*) and have been blown away by their methods of storytelling. Some amazing stories and writing out here in wattpad land. I stumbled across my daughter's wattpad account and from there decided to look at some of the younger writers and what they have to offer. I admit, I'm not as active here as I want to be but that can all be fixed with finding the time to be so.

Anyway, it made me think back to that time I first picked up a pen and began telling my own stories. How my imagination clung to the stories I had been reading and the movies I had been watching and how I really wanted to rewrite them all – to make them better. I remember wanting to rewrite several movies including Goonies to where the kids got away with all the loot and the Fratelli's ended up trapped in a cave unable to escape all the boobie traps that had been set. That movie – as awesome as I thought it was, just didn't sit right with me LOL. Now I know the movie to be theatrical genius. I wouldn't change a scene or word of it, it's perfect as it stands.

But this all harkens to what I believe and how I feel about my life.

There are things I would change and want to change. Scenes I would delete or rewrite. Dialogue I would improve on and so forth and so on. But here's my dilemma – my philosophical mind and spiritual heart tell me that all of that is a no no.

I believe God to be the author of my life...literally. He is the reason I am in existence. If it had not been for his thought of me, I wouldn't be here. But he brought me here and has written a story for me that has been...quite harrowing. There have been tales of romance in my life, loves lost, loss, lust, murder (the fact that I killed a part of myself that will never come back) and greed. Violence, sex and video tape (not all in that order – actually separate). Scenes of hair raising thrills and chills, absolute horror and on the opposite of that serenity.

My life has seen fantasy turn into dreams, reality turn into the surreal and magical moments I wouldn't trade for anything. So after describing all of that...what would I change?? My reactions to things, choosing not to walk down certain paths, limiting my involvement with some people and letting go of the things and people that hurt me.