Schizo: A Memoir

Sometimes the Answer is No

Who are we when we see that we aren't the people we think we are? For a few hours of my morning, I had an answer to this question. I wasn't myself. I was more like a figment of my own imagination carried over from the nightmare I had. Just here, waiting for things to end so that I could wake up in a better place. It's not always like this. As a matter of fact, it hasn't been for a while and of that I am glad.

In the dream, I was wrestling with God over an act that I wanted to commit and losing. I wanted to do what I want and have God sign off on it but it doesn't work that way especially if he frowns upon the thing I am trying to do. I looked a mess trying to negotiate terms and haggle out deals with God. It was like I was trying to sell him a dream or a used car that he knows is crap. I was trying to get over. But it didn't seem that way at first – I thought I was presenting a fair trade:

A little sin now....for no sin later. Doesn't work like that. Sin is sin is sin. No matter how big or small it is, it's all met with the same punishment. I know this. I knew it in the dream too but for some reason, it didn't stop me from trying. Some part of me thought this: He loves me. He may not agree with what I do but he loves me and that won't change. Some part of me thought that in real life too.

Here's the truth: That while God does love us, we abuse what he has given us. Like I did in the dream I had. Knowing that he loved me – I tried to use that to get what I wanted and have his approval. We have his unconditional love, not his unconditional approval. There are things he wants us to do – not just because it's what he wants but because he knows best and it is what's best for us.

I hate to think of myself in that manner – an abuser. I've known abusers. They manipulate, they cheat, they use, they lie and they steal from you – not just material possessions but things like your peace, your calm, your joy, your safety and in some cases your life. I've dated abusers, married one and befriended one. To say that I went after the same types of people is an understatement. My eyes didn't open to that fact until after my last bout with a relationship a year ago. I look back now and think – you were smarter than that – why did you even do it? And this is where I'd say "I don't know" to keep from having to answer that question. I know why and it makes no sense. We can't change people, no matter what we do. They have to do that themselves.

A little sin now...for no sin later = doing a bad thing to make good things happen. To get good results and not have to worry about the consequences of said action because everything worked out.

Do you know how many people think like this? Do you know how many wars were started over this type of thinking? How much damage can be done with this type of thinking?

Hitler used this concept to better the society he wanted to build. Genocide was getting rid of what he thought was bad in order to maintain the good he sought in his eyes.

People lie to make others feel better about themselves...thus perpetuating a bad trait in them. If someone asks you "Is it me?" More than likely the answer is "yes". That question usually comes right after some self-destructive behavior or the ending of a good thing in their lives. I've asked that question – Is it me? And got a straight answer with frikkin bullet points for why it is me from a friend that cared enough to tell me the truth.

I can't even begin to tell you how hurt I was. But after the hurt wore off, I had to consider the source of information. She didn't volunteer this info, I asked for it. She's not a person to lie to someone so that they feel good. She tells it like it is and that is what I admire in her. So yeah, my source was on the nose. I was the one that was all messed up and I was the one that needed to change. My friends didn't try to force me to change but from what I saw in their behaviors around me – prompted me to want to do so. It was not so that I would be like them, but for me to be myself. I had done everything but that. I didn't think self was what people wanted. At the time, I knocked myself down from a leadership position to become a follower and it hurt me in ways I had never imagined. It had lasting effects.

Who do we become when we aren't ourselves? What kind of phantom do we turn into that stalks about our houses just existing through our numbered days rather than living?

I was never one to do this – to wrestle with God knowingly but I guess that's what I'm doing. I'm wrestling with the wrong this in mind.

In the bible, there's an account of Jacob wrestling with God and winning and because he overcame Him, he was blessed and given a new name. He was called Israel afterward. Israel means – the one who struggles with God and overcomes. He wrestled with a man through the night until daybreak and the "man" asked Jacob to let him go, to turn him loose and Jacob said, not unless you bless me.

He was shown favor for his persistence.

I'm being persistent with the wrong things. Personal agendas – God has no use for or love for. The more I align my will with his the better off I'll be. So why am I resisting so much? I know what's right and I know what's wrong. I know that He has his eye on everything and I also know that I'm being tested and failing miserably.

Nothing good ever came from a lie or an ill deed.

Here's the deal – I'm being called to do something in a certain way and I want to do it my way. Because I think it will be less of a challenge. I'm meeting resistance – even in my dreams. It's like He's telling me – no, you will do it the way I need you to do it not how you want to do it. I have some very strong people giving me strong opinions of what I should do. I just think that something is missing the other way and that it seems a bit much to do when there is a simpler way.

No brainer right? God speaks to you in a dream you listen. Pride will be my downfall. It will. I need to let that go. Okay. So I've talked out a solution to the problem. But who am I today, since I've awakened to find that I am lacking in a significant area of my life? Am I still a child of God? Am I still a smart woman (no). I'm as dumb as they come but I swear I'm getting better.

I can't even imagine wrestling with Jesus. I think he'd kick my butt like he did in my dream and rightly so. I needed it. I'm still here. I haven't been smote yet. Thank God. I haven't given up on life though I feel as though I'm doing more existing today than I am living.

I need to shake this mood. It's just hard...When I move it moves and I hate it. Good thing my lovely distraction in the form of a 15-year-old is coming to take my blues away...or add to them, I'm not sure lol My kids are crazy but I love them anyway.

I may come back for another "therapy session" a little later tonight. I'm not sure. We'll see.

Lord, thank you for your Living Word. Without it, we would be lost to you. Thank you for allowing us to be your possessions that no one can take away from you. And thank you for the healing you wrap us in. You said that we should speak as if we will receive it – so I say, thank you for your redemption, your healing, your salvation and your love. In Jesus Name, Amen.