Schizo: A Memoir

Optimism

I'm full of music, coffee and optimism. All the good things that make a day worth walking through. Today started off with a pretty hefty anxiety attack and the weird thing is – I found myself laughing through it because of something my sister told me. We were talking on the phone and she told me that she went to work out today and shortly after took her dog for a walk. When she got home rather than eat a healthy snack or something that would complement her hard work at the start of the day, she's eating sour apple gummy bears and a bowl of Ramen. At the height of my anxiety today, she told me she was lying in bed with a string of noodles hanging from her mouth because she was too lazy and sore to put them all the way in her mouth, so she was just going to slurp them.

I laughed at the imagery. Lying in bed with noodle face while the dog is staring at her wanting to know if she's going to share or finish those. Gummy bears littering the bed while she rests in workout clothes. Hey, in my mind it was hilarious, so I laughed and when I did – that crushing feeling on my shoulders and the clenching in the pit of my stomach let up. She told me not to laugh too hard at her because then it would make her laugh too and her stomach hurt too bad to laugh. I couldn't help it. She laughed too and then there was this sound of ...what I can only describe as jubilant agony. "Hahaha...Owww...stop laughing."

I did. Eventually.

We talked about my niece after that. She's not a happy camper but some head way is being made. She has now grasped the severity of the situation that she's in. She knows now that her behavior and thought process is irrational and she has agreed to do as her mom and counselor ask of her. Now, since her friends are into cutting too – she's not allowed any contact with them on her social media. Also she can't have her phone for a little while. Her mom is working on a way to track her conversations. I think if she can pull that off, it will be a great help. My niece is very impressionable so we are trying to fill her full of good things that are healthy. She has agreed to work towards her care and healing. I'm thrilled to hear that. Though I am not her mother I am helping in any and every way I can. I love her and it's not a job or even trouble – it is simply an expression of love towards to Star in her time of need.

So...here's the good stuff. Something I learned in my therapy session yesterday that I will be helping her learn. Well actually, I learned three things:

1) Self Soothe – involves entering into the world around us through our five main senses (sight, sound, smell, taste and touch – do these things with mindfulness and full awareness) individually or in a multisensory way. We can also soothe ourselves mentally (meditation or affirmations) and spiritually (prayer).

2) Improve the Moment – Imagery, Meaning, Prayer, Relaxation, One thing or step at a time, Vacation, Encouragement - Surrounding yourself with images that speak to you and finding out what they mean to you helps immerse you in this skill. Praying on the things that distress you, asking for strength and guidance helps to connect you to your higher power. Relaxation through breathing exercises or low impact exercise like Yoga can help decrease stress in the mind and body. Take one thing at a time, give yourself time to complete personal projects. Vacation – take a break from whatever it is that is distressing you. Take a break from things and people, a change of scenery, location and activity are all things that can help you in the long run. Encourage yourself by speaking positive things and insights to yourself. "Life is not impossible; it just feels that way sometimes."

3) Distract with ACCEPTS – Setting up distractions when distress hits with Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Push Away, Thoughts, Sensations. Do activities that engage you physically and mentally. Contributing your efforts and skills by participating with others in the world helps you to feel connected and less alone and it creates positive feelings. Comparisons bring perspective to your situation when you compare how you feel to other times in your life when you've met the same situation. Participate in activities, events and thoughts that create emotions that are different from the painful ones you've experienced. Push away distress by mental blocking - or the physical act of locking away an object that represents that distress. Distract yourself from negative thoughts – focus is key. Awaken your senses with new and interesting things, things you've never tried before – physically and vigorously.