Schizo: A Memoir

What Do I Do Now?

I take great care in planning these things out so that my words are coherent and easy to follow – like a script that hits each point and connects to the next. Sometimes I fail at that and reads as a big embarrassing jumble of words that have no more of my heart in them than those tabloid sheets of news outlets – just utter and complete rubbish. Sometimes I succeed at putting just enough of myself into these things that it makes me smile to know that I am learning and hey, sharing is caring so I'm doing that too. But for those moments when I think about my failure to deliver my thoughts in a way that is suitable for this memoir I see that I must change. Not necessarily for the viewer but for myself. I should be more comfortable doing this. So I get to thinking...

Maybe...I shouldn't plan so much as I should just talk about my life – but here's the problem with that. On an intimate level, I am afraid to. I am afraid of the spotlight and often become all types of agreeable just to have things go smoothly so that the world doesn't see Tyronica the failure, Tyronica the terrible writer or plain old Tyronica. As much as I like plain old Tyronica, she can be a bit "strong" sometimes.

I had a friend tell me once after a conversation that I was the salt of the earth and then right behind it – that needs to be chased with the best Tequila. It took me awhile to get what he meant by that. As cheeky friends go, he is one for the books, always stirring up bits and pieces of trouble or shining that oh so crude and truthful light on people and their situations that you either love to have him in your company or hate him altogether. But I took what he said as – alone I am bitter and sour to take but paired with something (he used alcohol)...I am easy to take. Maybe he didn't mean it that way – but that's how I took it. I didn't bother to ask him to clarify the statement instead, I just giggled nervously and drank of my beverage which consisted more of the stronger 7 than the weaker 7. (7&7 = Seagram's 7 and 7Up) I was glad of that - anything to keep me from having to make a rebuttal or comment on the subject.

Swig and all your cares go away or you become sulky. My cares went away. I've had friends suggest that I drink when I write to mellow myself and rid myself of the anxiety that surrounds these things but you know what you get when you mix alcohol and anxiety....alcohol and anxiety – they don't mix. I don't need that. Besides I'm not really in the mood to drink and forcing it would ruin my day. I wouldn't really enjoy it.

As days go, today has been one that has left me quite torn. I've had doctor's appointments all week and meetings with fascinating people. I've even been interviewed in the writing group I'm in on my writing. Busy, busy, busy! The oncoming of so much activity produced some real anxiety in me this week and I had a mild panic attack. I got through it. There were the normal things – the heaviness of my heart, the invisible weight on my shoulders, the uncontrollable butterflies and the fuzz that covers my brain when I try to think of positive things. All rushed up on me – but in a milder way. I wasn't debilitated and bent over. I wasn't brought to my knees and crying huge tears out of fear of the feeling that I was going to die – because that's what you think, that you are near death. I was okay ...well not okay but far away from being in deep trouble.

I'm taking my time rather than rattle off a bunch of facts that no one really wants to read but maybe the facts as they pertain to my life. I found out recently that coffee can exacerbate anxiety and it upsets me. Anything with caffeine may have to go due to how I react to it with the anxiety. That means coffee, iced coffee, coffee flavored candy or chocolate covered coffee beans or coffee ice cream ...lol No chocolate cake, chocolate bars or chocolate candy for Valentine's Day. No dark tea for the times I need to be awake...just a lot of Nope. Which is supposed to translate into goodness but I just don't see how. How can people live without Pepsi or Snickers?! Are they mad?