This is What I Do With My Life (Book 2)

Idk (Rant)

Idk what this rant is. It's a jumbled mess of feelings I don't know how to express. I'm not even going to try to pin-point anything, except there's things about sexuality.

If your an ass about sexuality, please leave this rant.

So, there's these cosplayers on YouTube I've had an unhealthy obsession with for the past month and a half.

They run the channel together, but on Instagram they're sasuealian and creativelea2 (then they share an Instagram because they're a couple ((and it's the name of their YouTube channel)) and it's sasuleah)

And Kassy (Sasu's real name) just had a live stream on Instagram. And she got talking about sexuality and stuff. She and Leah both identify as female and are in a relationship, they're both Christians.

Kassy explained she hasn't really talked to her family for 5 years because of drama and her family doesn't know she likes girls.

(I say likes girls because Kassy went on about how she doesn't feel that sex is important)

She goes on saying things about how everyone should be loved, and you should always have someone in your life that cares about you.

I have way to many.

I bet I could PM any of you that read my art book with any issue I'm going through and you'd help me.

But I don't like doing that.

It makes me feel weak, and I hate the fact I have to rely on other people to be happy. I hate that I can't be alone for more then a week with out watching the people I love on YouTube or talking to my friends and stay happy.

Kassy said don't put yourself down, or hurt yourself, but I can't help but feel this way.

I hate the fact I'm shoved to the Internet with my issues because I'm scared to tell my family what's going on.

If some of you remember I told my coming out story, and I hate how I came out.

I hate the way I told my parents that basically "hey! You probably want grandkids but here's the thing, I'm asexual so that's not going to happen"

I know my dad secretly doesn't like my sexuality, hell, I think he forgot about me saying anything because it's my dad.

My mom doesn't actually remember that the day I came out, she told me about finding a guy to love.

Not either or, but a guy.

She keeps telling me to keep low about being panromantic, but I don't want to!

She tells be people would make fun of me if they found out, but the people I have to deal with, I feel are mature enough that they wouldn't say anything.

I want to be open about my sexuality and romantic orientation, but I can't, because of my parents.

I don't know.

I'm scared I think.

I'm scared of how the future will play out.

I want a girlfriend, and I have my eyes set on one, but she doesn't like me like that.

She doesn't understand how agonizingly painful it is to like someone, but because they don't like your gender, they won't like you.

She doesn't get that I just want to kiss her.

She doesn't know what I wanted to say to her at New Years.

She doesn't understand, and neither do my parents.

They don't get my asexuality (she does, I know that, she accept my romantic orientation too) they don't get the fact I want to die a virgin.

They think I'm to young.

If some of you don't know, I'm 12. I'll be 13 in May.

My mom said I'm just in an experimental phase, and my dad said that when I came out (I was 11) he said I was to young to know if I'm asexual.

Are you to young to know if your straight?

Hell no your not.

It's like everyone assumes your straight unless you say so!

And honestly, some people don't even (666) know what my sexuality is!

Hell! I bet some people don't even know that asexuality is a blanket term.

It covers asexual, demisexual and grey-sexual. (*i only know how to explain two of these)

It makes me mad that some people judge me if I don't want to bang someone!

Can't you stay out of my sex life? Like, why does it matter? Why does it matter if I even have a sex life? What's it to you?

I kinda just wanna run to the girl I have a crush on and kiss her.

We're cosplaying Viktor and Yuuri for Halloween, and I can't be more excited!

She want to cosplay a couple with me!!

But I know after that it's not going to do anything for us romantically, it'll probably get me more flirty if anything.

She doesn't get how badly I just want to date her!

She doesn't get how jealous I am of the boy she likes.

I pretend it doesn't bother me, because I know it'll make me look bad not to support her.

Half of you don't even know about my 'social anxiety' if you can call it that. I don't even know if it is.

Basically, I get really nervous to interact with people I don't know because I don't want to slip up and say something that makes them hate me.

That's why, if you don't know, I have really bad self worth and I constantly beat myself up for it.

I hate basically everything I do, I'll like I hate my art a lot, I hate my writing a lot, I'll hate how I play my clarinet, and I'll hate how I sing.

I have almost no confidence in anything that I do and I hate it!

But I don't know what to do to fix it.

Uh, I feel like I've been rambling.

Just know that if I'm not busy, if I don't update it's because I've hit a rut.

An emotional rut.

Where I can't have basically any confidence to do anything.

Where I'm so confused about myself

Where I can't do anything but watch anime, or YouTube, or read fanfiction because that's what makes me happy, and pushing myself gets me stressed.

Ok.

You've heard enough

Bye

-K