The Randomness of Rainbow Phoenix II: Confessions of a One-Legged Violinist

updates and the musings of life

so

school ends tomorrow

okay wowie!??! this has been the most ridiculously difficult year of my life and honestly im simultaneously happy and sad about this

because im going to a new school next year (i moved to cambridge recently, you know this)

and im kinda freaking out because my grades have dropped significantly ever since i stopped taking my medication

did i mention that my adhd meds were making me depressed and occasionally inclining me to hurt myself? (okay i did NOT do that so dont freak out guys)

gorillaz just came on the radio wtf that was unexpected

anyway i am free of meds now

which unfortunately compromised my academic capabilities and now my grades are dramatically lower than before

also i took some tests and it turns out i have dyscalculia. like no doubt about it. bam you now have this mental disorder too.

in case you're wondering what dyscalculia is, here you go:

i mean ive always been bad at math but turns out there's a legit reason why. i guess that's a relief. i feel more like it's not my fault because i always kind of thought i was just stupid.

i also most likely have pda, or pathological demand avoidance. thats a whole other kettle of fish plopped down on top of my adhd and dyscalculia so yaaaay

its kinda stressful and relieving at the same time, ya know?? on one hand i know that i am mentally ill and that means its not really my fault that i can't do these things.

on the other hand.... i am mentally ill. that's scary. that's messed up. i know that my own head is literally acting against me. if thats not terrifying as all hell i dont know what is.

but... its a new start. im going to a new school, a better school that has an infinitely better support system. ill be okay.

but its just scary.