updates and the musings of life

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so

school ends tomorrow

okay wowie!??! this has been the most ridiculously difficult year of my life and honestly im simultaneously happy and sad about this

because im going to a new school next year (i moved to cambridge recently, you know this)

and im kinda freaking out because my grades have dropped significantly ever since i stopped taking my medication

did i mention that my adhd meds were making me depressed and occasionally inclining me to hurt myself? (okay i did NOT do that so dont freak out guys)

gorillaz just came on the radio wtf that was unexpected

anyway i am free of meds now

which unfortunately compromised my academic capabilities and now my grades are dramatically lower than before

also i took some tests and it turns out i have dyscalculia. like no doubt about it. bam you now have this mental disorder too.

in case you're wondering what dyscalculia is, here you go:

i mean ive always been bad at math but turns out there's a legit reason why

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i mean ive always been bad at math but turns out there's a legit reason why. i guess that's a relief. i feel more like it's not my fault because i always kind of thought i was just stupid.

i also most likely have pda, or pathological demand avoidance. thats a whole other kettle of fish plopped down on top of my adhd and dyscalculia so yaaaay

its kinda stressful and relieving at the same time, ya know?? on one hand i know that i am mentally ill and that means its not really my fault that i can't do these things.

on the other hand.... i am mentally ill. that's scary. that's messed up. i know that my own head is literally acting against me. if thats not terrifying as all hell i dont know what is.

but... its a new start. im going to a new school, a better school that has an infinitely better support system. ill be okay.

but its just scary.

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