~ Reylo ~

Self Harm Scars Both You And Me

Trigger warming: for self harm, eating disorders, and just bad things that you should SERIOUSLY AVOID IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS OF!!!!

I have very dark and twisted head canons of the things Kylo Ren does to keep himself dark side.
I should be ashamed of myself but it's tiny and I wanted to put something out before my allotted no more than three days without putting something up runs out

I should not be allowed to write
Never let me bring this up again as it should never show up again AU

Say what you will about him. About what he's been. About who he is. Above all why he does it. It's easy to pick and chose someone else's flaws so your own don't stare you in the face. It's so easy to point fingers with other people so they don't turn on you. It's easy to acknowledge another's flaws until their sins stare you in the face as they drown in the Consequences.

Rey has seen what his actions have caused him. The scars that cover his body like a sick and twisted pattern calculated in the dark. Thick burns that don't resemble anything from battle, scars that run jagged across his skin. Ribs that stick out from to many skipped meals, and two fingers that help it along. The dark shadows under his eyes from restless nights and no sleep, and finally the claw marks join in along with dark bruises that cover the majority of his body.

It in no way makes his actions right. It makes him human, pitiable, small, and most of all frightened. It shows that he is still the boy who was manipulated far beyond his own understanding while fighting his very own being. It's sad and upsetting, but it doesn't change what happened.

In the now the urge to claw and burn still stings. Sometimes she still finds him bleeding on the floor or watches him drop pounds on the scale. Watching as his past comes back to haunt him even now.

So as she watches him, throwing up his last meal it's not affection and concern she thinks of, but disgust and hatred for the very thing that makes people this. A ball of never ending rage and the urge to self harm. It's no wonder Leia wanted her son back so badly. What they've done to him is practically irreversible. The itch will never let itself be scratched an insatiable burn in the back of the mind for the rest of his life.

So she takes care of his scars and makes sure he eats. It's not her job and it's nothing sweet. She's taking care of a broken and dying man that seeks the light. It shouldn't, not by her calculations at least, make him feel better. He opens up to her, spilling secrets and stories. He reads to her and tells her he loves her. Rey doesn't understand it, feels the itch that lies in his skin. Doesn't understand the fact that he actually seems happy. It's a mystery she's not willing to look for an answer to.

They end up grow closer. It's a natural part of spending time together. They train and look out for each other and learn to trust. The bruises start to fade and the bleeding stops. The weight loss slows and the dark spots under his eyes slowly fade away. It's a process, a slow one at that, the relapses are awful and so is the emotional fallout. It's worth it though. The tender care it takes to dress any wound he gets now is enough to make the same emotions swirl as the first time she saw the patchwork that was his chest. Though the patchwork anywhere on his body was sickening. It's no wonder he used to wear full armor everywhere.

Though it's a little different now. He's still afraid to show himself to anyone but her, but she'll always help him if he needs her to. He no longer minds her staring, just acknowledges it's a part of who she is and what she does. It's normal now. This thing they do. They heal each other, he fills a hole in her chest, knowing someone would come back for her is more than enough, and he knows he has someone to fall upon when he can't hold himself up anymore. He doesn't need to rely on himself or his old methods of fixing it himself.

This... Whatever they were. It worked, for both of them.

It works.