~ Reylo ~

Hearts A Mess

Hah! I actually got something out! Never mind the fact that I should really be asleep cause I have a doctors appointment to be up for in four hours!

Setting: Kylo Ren has been found torn open and bleeding. Left behind by an angry master his mind has been torn apart and he could barely say his name in recognition. Now being held captive as a prisoner inside the resistance base for 4 months. He awaits his sentence, death row seems the most likely outcome. Leia is doing everything she can to keep her son safe. She enlists Rey to help her convince the people of her plight.

Rey has finally decided to pay him a visit.

"You distrust me so easily, you do not even know me. You hate me without giving me a chance, so who is really the 'evil one' here?"

"Monsters don't get chances"

"Monsters are still men"

"Men who have killed and destroyed, you have no feelings for me. You have no feelings for anyone. You're ruled by your cruel intentions. Worth no more than your impulses"

"You protect yourself from your emotions. From seeing me as anything more than a monster. Tell me, does your black and white view fit so well when actually applied to the real world?"

"Black and white view? How dare you? You slay thousands and expect me to what? Grovel at your feet like a lapdog?"

"The First Order is filled with rules. I have to follow them just as any other! Do you expect me to be above them?"

"You never had to follow them"

"You have no idea how the world works. Life is not filled with such cut and dry introspection that you can bend and accomplish with little effort. To think so is childish, to think I had a choice is childish"

"You chose the path you took-"

"It was chosen for me"

"You chose the decisions on your path"

"Tell me, do you think rebelling is just so easy scavenger? That all of us can lay claim and say we are owned by ourselves? Do you think I would waste my time with such inconsequential life if I had such an easy choice? You either do it right or fall from grace, there was no other way to survive in my world"

"You speak like you were kept on leash and chain"

"I was kept on a leash and chain"

"Then you needed a tighter leash"

"It was tight enough, does my bruised throat not show it well enough? Does the purple ring around my neck not show my distaste for my own actions? The lapses in my breathing not enough to prove the hold that held me back? Or would the bruises that normally purple my skin be enough for you?"

"Your victims lashing back does not make me feel for you"

"My victims could not land a hit on my if they tried. You and the traitor are the only ones who have left me with scars that did not come from him"

"You could have easily fixed them, it's your choice to parade them around like some sick reminder"

"You also talk about choice my dear scavenger but you do not grasp the concept of consequences. That not all the choices we make are ours. The more time I spend away from him I realize that my world was nothing but torture and blood. He was no more than using me and I was his clever powerful pawn who followed every order. I am nothing more"

"You expect me to forgive you then? For following your orders? To listen to the master you choose?"

"You think I chose this? That I chose any of this? You think I enjoyed being defiled and torn apart? Having to piece back my own memories from oblivion? You may live in your black and white world, but mine is red. It always has been"

"You could have left"

"On again about choices I never had. You hold them so high. They must be precious things to you. The more I sift through what's left of my head the more I can see him in my thoughts, my actions. Adjusting things from behind the scenes to make me play like he wanted. Beating me into submission and clawing away what little power I had over myself. Here you are going on about decision, I never had a choice"

"There's always a choice"

"THEN YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME. Tell me Rey was it your choice to scavenge for food? Was it your choice that your stomach rumbled and without the food you craved you would die? Was it your choice to be left behind? Did the water hit your tongue not out of need but of choice? To say we all have choice is foolish, we are held in place by the universe by rules and conditions. When we face death do we have a choice? When we lose the fight can we make a choice to have won anyway? The foolish hope you carry around is a choice, but the hunger without food is not. There are some choices that make our fate, and there are some we cannot change. When I saw into your mind, there was a trader was there not? You hate this man like no other, hated the way he looked at you and made you feel. Hated the way he undermined you for profit. Laughed in comfort while your stomach ate at itself and the pain kept you from sleeping earning you even smaller the next day. Still you gave your things to this man. So tell me girl of choice, do you do it because you could, or because if you didn't you would perish?"

"..."

"You look so taken aback, but was this not the choice you spoke of? You could have just as easily have died out on that desert than sold wears to that blob. A will to survive and a fear of death, of missing a family that would surely come back kept you going did it not? How can you say my actions were any worse than yours if we were both just trying to survive?"

"You killed people"

"So have you, call it self defense, call it whatever you like. We have blood on our hands all the same. Don't act like my blood is dirtier than yours if all lives should be treated equal"

"They would have killed me"

"He would have killed me"

"How can you live like this? It's repulsive, I would have rather died"

"To some death is a greater punishment to living. To me it is something I can not understand, I do not wish to die. To think of what lies beyond for me is not pleasant. To think that I am to far gone is abhorrent. To think of death as a friend is petrifying. How am I to die if I can not for sure say what lies beyond? To think of eternal suffering as something to embrace for what I've done is a cruel idea. Even for you. I have done awful things Rey, but I do not wish to suffer. I'm not asking for your forgiveness, I'm asking for you to understand. I am what I am out of necessity, not choice. My path was chosen for me long ago by something I can't control, to change my fate would be impossible. I will die alone and miserable as is my lot in life. I just wanted you to know... I never hated you, I never could. You tore me open and laid me bare. I questioned myself for the first time in a long time. I never wanted to hurt you, or fight you. I saw you as an equal, and I wanted to posses you. To hold you and call you my own. To own you and be owned by you. Things like you are not so easily possessed despite all I've tried. You have a spirit like no other and a heart as caring and bitter as the ocean you've always longed to see. There are many regrets I have, but none as big as never meeting you outside this place. Outside of my torment, I'd like to think that in another universe we could have been something more and something different.

I like to think that maybe I could have had the choice to be with you."