Life hasn't felt any different in the sense of I haven't had to stop from doing things that I would normally do. I was at Cobi Q's having a drink with one of my co-workers Jasmine. We're close but not as close as I am with Candice. But she's one that's good to keep around when Candice is busy with Josh. She decided to take a few weeks off and be on the tour with him. I'm all about traveling because that is fun. But I just know for me personally that I can't & won't drop my responsibilities just to be with my man. At the end of the day traveling & touring is his livelyhood, my job as an contracting specialist is my livelyhood. I have to get mine & he get his. I just don't believe in staying months. But again that's just where I am in life. Some people can do that...more power to you.
"So how are you & and the famous guy?"
"He's good. " I said hoping so.
"How is that going? You don't seem.......well you seem like you don't know what's going on?"
"That's cause I don't. In the beginning things were going well. We stayed in communication. Then things just started to......."
"I've seen what people are saying about you.....& I tell you people are a trip.....all the stories just make me love it even in more...all the shade I tell you..."
"I know tell me about it. I didn't really think about all of the outcome all of what came out of meeting him. I just didn't expect him to take a then interest in me. I mean come on....I am who I am....so"
"A then interest?"
"Yeah, then because I really don't think we are going to go anywhere. I feel like we're just going to be friends"
"Why? What happened to a few weeks ago? You were just content & confident about Yall situation. What changed?"
"To be honest it can only be one of three things"
"And they are?"
"Well for one....I'm just not to sold on him. It's like a instinct I have like....can I really trust him. Does he really like me for me?"
"The man is on tour...you can't expect him to be the normal boyfriend that's always available. If that's what you need sweetie let's get you out of here, pack your suite case up, get you on the plane....I'll see you in 3 months, I'll see you when you come back & I'll ask you did you figure out what you needed to figure out"
"But see here's the thing it's not the tour situation that doesn't bother me. I'm good with that. I love the separation. I want him to grow fond of me. I love how absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I feel like in the beginning it's so shakey. I don't feel like he thought carefully about my feelings. So it's hard for me to trust if this man is really going to look out for my best interest. which leads me to my second point. I have noticed that they have been getting a lot of opportunities to do & be at certain multicultural events in other words black Urban radio event interviews. Like nobody is dumb. Nobody in that field has ever & isn't normally beating down your door or hitting your phone up to hit the spot and do an interview.....seriously come on..........now the issue where Harry plays I just don't see enough on his part where......ok put it like this if it wasn't for tour being a distraction I feel like he would have felt compelled to have to say something. But even on these social networks......these trends.....I feel & I know what should be done......in our world & in our society of where we live our backround of our lives it's so much harder. Nobody will ever understand the day to day struggle over the littlest, tiniest things us women & us a women of color....not just black....whether mixed, Puerto Rican, Dominican, African, Mexican whatever.....the point is history is recycling right now....i get on Twitter & it's like a complete race fight. Back & forth. You see it in the news, an innocent life taken away just to send a bigger message....let's have a war again in our streets, let's hurt these niggas.....im just being real. That's what going on. So my concern is what me and him just attention for him & the band to touch bases in areas they never did before....they are at the point where I've done it all....what's one thing we haven't done....yeah let's focus a little more on your color numbers..."
"Mmhm....yeah"
"You know so, am I a stunt or am I someone that's going to be special & be serious about? You know....so I feel like I'm in a position where I have to be hard on him because if I express interest in someone & im looking to build from there and be in a relationship....which is everything we said then you need to meet my expectations as well. I feel like for him I can't give him in room to just slide by. Famous or not I'm holding you a standard. I'm so vulnerable. My face and life is everywhere in the street, my career goals....dreams I want to turn into reality it's all in a vulnerable state right now. This man has a heavy influence so I just think he's needs to tread softly in all actions."
"Yes in every sense of that tread softly because media loves a great story to tell, your black & any time they can slander a black chick it's a fields day. That's the biggest thing he needs to realize where he is concerned. & I see what yours saying & I agree. To me it's just another case of a bad black bitch taken the white girls man & they mad story. But when them bitches take one of ours we get mad but we get a big story blown up now we look like crazy"
"Jas that.....that's not even the place where I'm coming from"
"Shit I'm only saying what I've know yo be true. It's just fucked up that not all of both sides don't see it's not even about that anymore. So what you need to understand is....that's what's really happening. Look at most of their fans. I took my niece to one of the shows two years ago & I felt so bad for her. She didn't realize at the time but my poor girl wasn't even accepted around those type of people. All she wanted to do was make friends that like the same band as her because not a lot of us are into them. But me and my princess....Where we sat they looked at us like oh they black and she's a fan. Wow what a shock or like why are you here. You lost? Imagine how I felt for her that night & imagine how if she ever brings this up how do I listen to how she felt.....how do I explain to her the reason of why other people who don't look like her act that way.? & it's not to say everyone of their fans but I'm talking about from what I've experienced & if I know history & the times we are in now ...who's to say how many of there truly are that way? Just look at what you see now ?
.......................I'm just saying your in your right mind to think that way. As well you should, & your last point "
"................I thought maybe I'm over thinking things & not fully giving him a chance get himself right"
".......I see that you like him. Give him the chance......you don't want to look back & have any regrets. I say stay guarded but take it easy. Give him a change to prove it to you. You can only let time prove it all. If in time he proves yeah you're just a stunt you did right for letting time expose that, but if time exposes him for what your hoped he'd be & does everything right....everything goes well... It will be beautiful......in your situation it's going to get ugly before it gets beautiful.
& that's real"
"I can believe it.....but you know it is what it is right now.....so..........i don't know........only time will tell"
Listening to Jasmine tell me about her experience with her and her niece just makes me imagine what my experience could have been granted if Candice didn't know Josh to bring us to the back the night of the show would have I experienced what they did? I did feel kinda weird when I was back there. It felt like all eyes on me but that's not the same as to what Jasmine went through. Even though in that both, going up there I got some side eyes. I peeped that. After our happy hour I headed home. I settled in for some tea & sat on my balcony just thinking about everything me and Jas talked about. I thought about Candice. I hope all is well with her. I texted her she didn't text back yet. But interesting enough Harry calls me. Jesus always makes me faces things that's on my mind. Ughhhhh. Jesus be my fence. I need help God & I just don't know what to do.
"Hello"
"Hello beautiful, how are you?"
"I'm well, haven't heard your voice in so long"
"I know.....the withdraw. I miss you. I'm happy to hear your voice too"
"I miss you too" I said honestly. I have no reason to miss Harry. But I just said what felt right but however I do honestly feel like I miss him.
"How was your day? What's today again?"
"I don't know where you are but where I am it's Tuesday"
"I'm in Canada. I'm in the east coast so im three hours ahead....it's almost Wednesday here"
"Oh ok. I always wanted to go to Toronto for the shopping there and I've always heard how beautiful it is there"
"It is, I have to bring you here. I wish you were here right now to explore the city right now"
"That would have been fun. But I probably would have got us lost. I'm bad at directions."
"I get lost in you anyway so that wouldn't matter to me. I like that you take the lead"
"Harry you & your charm....why do you butter me up so much"
"I like to make you blush. I'm not even in front of you & I know your blushing......I just want to.....I like to.....I like to impress you"
"You & your charm is something else "
"I just want to keep you smiling, I'm glad it worked"
"Whatever...your day was eventful. I saw the music video. I like it. I like drag me down. It's my favorite I sing it to myself all the time"
"Yeah we put it out today. I'm waiting to see what the fans are going to do with it. It's so much fun to see them go crazy over new stuff."
"Yeah I bet"
" but I definitely love each & every one of them"
"They are super supportive"
"Wouldn't give them up for anything. I would just change how they don't give us room to let you & I be, or just anything personal be personal"
"Yes. My name mentioned everywhere is a bit played out now"
"Very played out"
"But anyway"
"So you braided your hair now?"
"Yeah, I'm going swimming so I had to do something with it "
"I like that style on you, you should keep it for a while "
"I wont keep it long. It's a lot of maintenance with it......I want to see you soon. I want to give you twist like mine"
"I want dred locks "
"stop"
"What, I would look good with them"
"Stop". I said cracking up laughing at him.
" you keep laughing. I'm seriously going to get dred locks"
"You would be weird. A British fan with dred locks. OD" I said laughing
"I'm getting them no matter what you say"
"Oh god"
Harry yearned . Aww he's tired.
"Harry call me back after you take a nap I know you are exhausted"
"No , I can sleep on the plane tonight. Right now it's me and you time. We haven't talked in awhile."
"Yeah but you should be resting your voice"
"My vocal rest is to tomorrow. So you didn't tell me about your day"
"Harry"
"Y/n.....don't worry I'm fine....tell me about your day"
"..........it was simple. No stressful situations, I went to a happy hour with my other close friend Jasmine. We work together"
"Good. I'm glad you had a good day today"
Harry and I talked more about each other. Our convo deep talking about out families & all the drama on their tour, it'funny. I then told him get night. It was last and I have to get up in the morning. Sleep set in on me and the fact work is in the morning just made me feel sad. But I have to get mine. He got his, I gotta get mine.
