Myths and Legends

Cú Chulainn

So this hero is from Celtic mythology. And here's a little history:
Remember when I said Christians had the tendency to ruin stuff for everyone on else. They really did. A lot of Celtic myths had many of their deities and other spirit type characters reimagined as fallen angels, hags, kings with magical powers, so on and so forth due to that "No god before me "rule. Now when Christian missions came to Ireland and Scotland, they did save the stories they just changed some stuff. It makes the anthropologist in me die a little, but this is one of the stories that didn't change much. This is the story of Cú Chulainn.

Oh and side note: This is story has many regional versions so there is no right or correct story. The language it was originally in has many dialects, so I'm sorry if you know another version.

Cú Chulainn's story is a bit iffy in some spots because I have no idea how old he is half the time, so  try to keep up. And don't get me started on the kid's family. His father is either Lugh or he's the reincarnation of Lugh ( pronounced like Loo...I think..) And his real name is Setanta....Cúchulainn is just a nickname he got as a child. You see he was playing with some friends in the yard of a smith, and the smith forgot. The smith heard a noise and sent his guard dog, but Cúchulainn accidentally kills it. And he was like, "I'll be you guard dog until you can get a new one." Earning the nickname Cúchulainn, which means Culann's Hound. Fast forward a bit and he gets a chariot and stuff happens and he has this thing called ríastrad which translate into a warp spasm and it's awesome.  His body turns inside out, it's so gross, but he's basically unstoppable...Keep in mind that he's seven. So his villagers stop him with the power of boobs and water....I'm dead serious. They ask the women of Ulster to flash him, and him being seven, he was embarrassed enough for them to dunk him in three barrels of water to calm him down.

Now he get a bit older and he women of Ulster start to notice this and the men were like, "You need to get a wife before you ruin our daughter and steal our wives." Cú Chulainn already had a wife in mind, Emer, but her father was a king and didn't want a famous son in law. So the king was like,"Do you like proving yourself?" I'm sensing a theme here, are you guys sensing a theme.? So the king sends him to train with the warrior queen Scathach of Alba ( Scotland, hoping it'll kill him.
Scathach teaches him how to use the Gae Bulg, which from what the internet tells me is this spear with thorns that explodes into more thorns when it enter the body and you have to throw it with your foot...metal. He was also being trained with this guy named Ferdiad. They become best friends and rivals, oh look another anime trope, and they just act really cute. Scathach on the other hand had her own problems in the form of her, and I'm not joking, her evil twin sister Aife.  Scathach gives them both a potion that makes them sleep, but in true anime protagonist fashion, Cuchulainn sleeps it off in like an hour and wakes up to see the ladies duking it out. So he jumps in and uses the old "Look behind you trick" and whacks her on the head. Now he then convinces her to call off their feud and have his son....How old is this kid?

He returns home, only to be told that he couldn't married Emer, so he kidnaps her, and her father dies....Oh also he kills his son by accident because he doesn't like to be denied. He asked the kid his name, but Aife was like,"no telling" and Cuchulainn sees a ring that identifies his parentage...seriously how old is this kid?
At seventeen, Ulster was at war because the king made a pregnant Medb run in a race with horses, she won of course, but she cursed the men of Ulster to have labor pains in their time of need. So Cuchulainn had to fight the war single handed-ly because he was 17 and not yet a man. He challenged everyone to single combat, and with a lot of cheating and poor sportsmanship from the enemy( come on guys play fair) Cuchulainn armed with a shield, a sword , and two spears defended Ulster only to sustain a nice amount of injuries that made them pull him before he got himself killed. And then Lugh shows up like,"Hello son, it is I, Lugh. Your Fairy dad-mother. " and knocks him unconscious and used magic to heal him for three days. That left the youth corp, those training to be warriors, who got slaughters. Cuchulainn was understandably pissed when he came to, and warp spasm  like never before destroying the other army.

He then came face to face with his battle brother/best friend Ferdiad. Their fight started with playful banter to full on "I'll kill you" in a matter of days. This is when Cuchulainn pull out the Gae Bulg and uses it. Leaving Ferdiad a pile of flesh and thorns....metal...but sad. Oh and the men of Ulster then got over their labor pains..

The enemy decided they needed to break him mentally and emotionally in order to beat him. So first, they fed him dog meat, it's a delicacy there don't ask, but there is more to that than it seems. When Cuchulain killed the smith's dog, he swore to never eat dog meat again. But it is taboo to refuse hospitality so...then they took three spears and gave it to this guy named Lugard. Lugard chucked all three at Cuchulainn and it first killed his horse, then his charioteer. The thrid spear only injured Cuchulainn. So Cuchulainn tied himself to a standing stone in order to continue to stand on his own two feet to face his enemies. No one thought he was dead until a raven ( or crow) landed on his shoulder . Lugard goes to cut off his head, but Cuchulainn explodes in a bright light and cut off Lugard hand....metal.That goes to show you, the dude will ruin you day,even in death.

In Irish folklore, Cú Chulainn was later reimagined as an evil giant at odds with Fionn mac Cumhaill, which is another story in itself. He also shows up in the game SMITE, armed with the Gae Bulg. He's pretty cool and I look forward to doing more Celtic myths.