Myths and Legends

Lucifer

Part 66...what better way to celebrate it than to pick Lucifer aka Satan. 
Now Lucifer was his name before he fell, and then got stuck with Satan.He is a prominent figure in the three religions of the Middle East: Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. That's right. If you're Christian, you're religion is from the Middle East...and Jesus was a Jew. So those who don't want Islam to be taught in school..suck it. When you learn about a region, you have to learn about the religion as well....Idiots...So leave any CW knowledge at the door, please and thank you.

When I was looking for a description of the guy, there were a lot.Basically, there is no right description of the man. He is either stupid sexy, with a jawline so sharp it cuts you or the creature of the Black Lagoon got jumped and had the shit beat out of him with a bat with nails. And no the Internet is not the origin of this dilemma. No we have one John Milton to thank for that. He wrote the epic poem Paradise Lost that basically summarize a good chunk of Genesis. And it's a Christian so keep that in mind. Now the story is split between Lucifer/ Satan and Adam and Eve. Also a quick side note: Jesus is in the story but is called the Son of God, because this is before he's incarnated and born from the Virgin Mary and what not. So I'll be calling him Junior just to keep things simple. 

So the stay begins in the traditional way of any and all epic poems. But instead of provoking the traditional Muses, no that would be blasphemy in a Christian poem, he goes straight to the top and invokes the Holy Spirit. So in continuing in his...reverse blasphemy,the story is the commoner language of English....Seriously, I'm not joking. Most epic poems are written in dead languages like Ancient Greek, Middle Earth meet Skyrim English, so on, AND THEN translated into English...And so,  the story begins with Satan/Lucifer and about 1/3 of heaven's forces all in hell together. The band includes all of the Greek and Egyptian Pantheon( the whole "No God before me" thing) to make up for it. Due to to his daddy issues, Satan plans to make humanity fall, as he did. Making a heartfelt speech, but seeing how it  was Satan saying it take it with a grain of salt, he made his way to the gates of hell being guarded by his daughter, Sin, and his son/grandson Death( don't ask). Sin was like "I'm not allowed to open the gate. God said not to." and then Satan was like" But is God your real father?" And then Sin was like " You make an excellent point" opens the gate and Lucifer sneaks into the unorganized solar system. Lucifer changes into a nonthreatening cherub and ask Uriel, angel of light, where God was making that new planet. Uriel, who was sitting on the sun ( probably being all dramatic) pointed out the way for him...this man is the hero of the story just so you know. 

Meanwhile in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve are doing cute couple-ly things. Satan peeks in on him and God is like ,"Satan get your ass out of here." It's either Raphael or Gabriel that shows up to have dinner with Adam and Eve. Now the day before Eve had this weird dream about an angel tell her to taste his fruit...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, and Adam is like "Don't worry honey. I know you won't do anything you're not supposed to. " And then he casually mentions that the only rule is to not eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge ( and was never specified on whether or not it was an apple) . And so Satan was like "To make them fall, I shall make them eat from the tree...brilliant." and then Raphael shows up and have a brood off with Satan until he disappear. He then goes to Adam and Eve and asked if they seen any sketchy characters. They said no, and was told of how Satan fell. 

You see Lucifer was so used to be God's favorite. And then Junior shows up. Lucifer throws a tantrum, stating that if he can't be his favorite, he'll be his biggest problem. And then war, Lucifer and 1/3 of heaven fell, and we return to the plot of the epic poem. 
Jump cut to Heaven where Junior and God are watching everything go down. ANd Junior aka the Son of God aka Jesus, was like"Should we do something?" And God was like"Don't worry I'll give humanity a conscientious "

And then Junior pointed out the original sin is still there and with it people can't enter heaven. God was then like,"All right I need a volunteer from the audience to die for these poor sods....Junior....would you like to make your old man proud?"
Back in Eden, Eve left halfway through the story and was all like, "Adam's not the boss of me." And when Satan laid eyes on her, his  gloom and doom went away creating the "love redeem the bad boy trope" in the process. Satan steeled his nerves and let the hate flow through him. ( Which sounds like yoga and a nap can fix) He got her attention and Eve as like " Whoa, Talking snake. " and Lucifer was like, "That's right babe, I talk. I little old snake like  me was able to gain the power of speech from sampling the fruit from that tree." Now the tree was the Tree of Knowledge, and Eve was like, "Yeah...I'm not supposed to. God said I'll die or something. "and Satan was like, "Don't you think God would appreciate your assertiveness by doing literally the one thing you were told not to."
Eve ate the tree, and Adam came looking her. He saw she did the one thing they we're supposed to and was like,"Eve you fucked up...big time. " And Eve was like,"Want one." And Adam was like, "....Fine. I'm sorry. Hand me one of those fruits, we're going down together." And then they went...down on each other. They wake up with a wisdom hangover and argue about whose fault it is. Junior came by and was like"See Eve, this is why you don't make any decisions by yourself."
Satan was like,"Oh, please. I'm the father of lies. You think I couldn't get him to do the same. He's not even wearing pants." And then Adam freaked out because he noticed he wasn't wearing anything. Junior was like,"Not helping..."And Satan respond with, "Come get me when dad makes you die for these losers. I'll just be over here...ruling in Hell. " Jesus gives Adam a glimpse of the Bible on fast forward. There is a war, Jesus wins, and seals off hell for ever.....And then Adam and Eve are kicked out...Hey they broke the rules fair and square. 
Lucifer returns to Hell and is greeted by his fallen brethren.ANd then they are all turned into snakes for the whole tempting humanity to fall thing.

I mean there are instances in the bible when Lucifer/Satan have little bets with God. BUt those are not important. 

Only two more day left in Death Fest. ..