My shout outs are for KittieKattzies, nezo_ask, ItllBeRainingUrBlood, chocomonsterxox and SoLoudSoSilent.
1. Winning is fun, but it teaches you nothing. Failure is the best teacher in the world. Winning is a trophy, failing is an education.
2. The key to surviving failure is to not take it personally. This is why video games make great educational tools. Mario doesn't rage at the world when he fails to jump over a pit. He just starts back at the beginning and tries again until he figures out how to rescue that princess.
3. Ketchup is for French fries and hamburgers. Never hot dogs. That's why the universe invented mustard.
4. Lying to protect someone's feelings isn't lying. It's called empathy.
5. All the best stuff happens in the dark. Fireworks, movies, trick-or-treating, roasting marshmallows, Space Mountain. Try to remember that when you hear a noise in your cupboard at night.
6. When you're doing laundry, read the labels on your clothes. When in doubt, wash everything in cold.
7. One day, in the future, during a job interview, someone will ask you "What's your greatest weakness?" This isn't an invitation to be honest. This is a test to see how well you can answer a stupid question.
8. Almost everything in life is better in moderation, particularly TV, water parks, the Internet, and food.
9. Want to prove to me you're a big kid? Make it through a two-hour movie in the theater without squirming or complaining. Want to take it to the next level? Make it to the eighth inning of a baseball game.
10. Farting is always funny. Even at the dinner table. Actually, especially at the dinner table.
11. Good rule to live by: If they look like they're fine, it's OK to laugh. If they're really hurt, shut up and help.
12. Ignoring race and class doesn't mean that you're enlightened. It just means that you're good at ignoring things.
13. On a related topic, a college education is worthless if you don't know how to properly use an apostrophe with the letter "s."
14. Science both answers questions and keeps discovering new questions to ask. This is why science is awesome.
15. You can be mad at someone and still love them at the same time. This can be very confusing.
16. Talking about abstract things is important. Having big, wild conversations about concepts like art, music, time travel, and dreams makes it much easier when you'll eventually need to talk about things like anger, sadness, pain, and love.
17. Every dad needs to teach his kids the lyrics to "The Diarrhea Song." During a long family car trip... But only when they're ready.
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The ultimate joke book
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