The ultimate joke book

Word play jokes

Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

A: It gets toad away.

Q: Why was six scared of seven? 

A: Because seven "ate" nine.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? 

A: Snowballs.

Q: : What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A: A gummy bear.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Q: How do you count cows? 

A: With a cowculator.

So this bloke said to me "Tim, do you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world's worst film?" I said "Warner Brothers?" He said "I already have!"

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Just seen someone had gone to the trouble of putting up a sign outside a restaurant saying 'Happy Easter' and left the 's' out.

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree. He is still bitter and twisted.

Never employ someone who's obsessed with graphs. They'll always be plotting behind your back.

Q. Why can’t a man living in New York be buried in Chicago?

A. Because he’s still living!

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. He sleeps during the night.

Q. A man is six feet tall, he's an assistant at the local deli and wears size nine shoes. What does he weigh?

A.  Meat.

Q. What do these words have in common: Madam, civic, eye, level?

A. If you read them all backwards, they make the same word.

Q. When you have me, you feel like sharing me. If you do share me, you don't have me. What am I?

A. A secret.

Q. I am an insect. The first part of my name is the name of another insect. What am I?

A. Beetle.

Q. Which part of a boat does a shopaholic like the most?

A. The sail (sale)

Q. What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

A. Short

Q. What type of cheese is made backwards?

A. Edam

Q. I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. What am I?

A. The letter e. End, timE, spacE, Every placE.

Did you hear about the actor who broke through the floorboards? 

He was just going through a stage.

How do you paint a rabbit purple? 

With purple hare spray!

 

What is a cow without a map? 

Udderly lost!

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hall. 

One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I’ll go on a head."

Why can’t fishermen be generous? 

Because their business makes them sell fish.

I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed it up.

It just made it sluggish.

Why do ghouls and demons get on so well? 

Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

What do you call a guy with no legs in leaves? 

Rustle!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.