Avery's Secret Collection (Chrona's Art and Random Book 2)

Well, then.

So today I spent several hours on a boat, par the norm for Saturdays, and came to the realization that being miserable is a terrible hobby and I should try to do things that make me feel good about myself.

I've been going through a huge art/writing block lately, culminating in a loss of my queue and inability to finish Broken Souls at the end of this week, and while I don't think it's gone by any means, this evening (last hour or so) was a step in the right direction for me.

I also think I'm just burned out on Wattpad- though I think I might be easing through it by just not caring so much anymore. It's hard to phrase this in a way that doesn't sound petty but fuck it, I'm petty... let me try to explain. I know a lot of people quit because they want to go publish or whatever, but I'm not going to publish any of this. That's why I post it. If I wanted to publish anything or use my work for contests, I wouldn't put it up here (because something something copyright something something keeping people off my trail something something where the fuck would I even put my short stories). I came to Wattpad because I was bored, essentially, but now it's become somewhere for me to experiment. I'm young, I don't have to publish, I don't have to cater to an audience, so I want to write things that I'm interested in and play with storytelling so when I make it to the big leagues later in life I'll have a few million words and some experience to back me up.

This is all well and good but as a lot of you have noticed (and called me out on it- I'm so incredibly lucky to have an audience filled with people I've come to know as close friends) I have a tendency to hold myself to unrealistic standards and push myself way too hard. I get places, sure, but often I get there miserable and over the past year it's been getting to the point where I've had multiple month-long stops or depressive episodes because my inability to live up to my own goals has been crippling my self-esteem. I'm not doing any more than I would do if I just calmed the fuck down anyways and the drama is taxing on me and everyone around me.

Furthermore, I'm not GETTING anywhere.

I have never and will likely never be ***Wattpad famous***. My read counts and follower counts are high because I've been here forever. I don't usually follow trends, my books are long and heavy, I'm not in with the cool kids (save for a brief stint with WattyWarriors which also made me miserable due to poor management- sorry guys, I love you, but get your act together for the love of God), and fuck, I've been stuck at 1.33K- 1333-1335 followers- for TWO months now. It could be this is high as I'm going to go. My read counts per any given chapter in any book stabilizes around thirty, gaining up to 60-100 months after publication, and it's been that way well over a year. My big break probably isn't coming and if it will come, it's going to jump me, and it'll likely be a book I don't care about.

It's taken me a while to accept that because falling in line with my standards, I figured it was something I was doing wrong. Was it charisma? Were my books too convoluted? Did I need to be more active in the community? Take on more controversial opinions? Talk more? Talk less? 

The answer is probably any number of these things but trying to find out which and why is such a dumb use of my time. I don't know why the f*ck I thought getting "there", wherever "there" was in regards to Wattpad fame, would make me happier than I am now. The numbers don't and will never define where I stand as a writer. I say this because among other reasons, a lot of FUCKING GARBAGE makes it huge in Wattpad and many of the best writers I know (winks towards audience, you know who you are) are still relatively unnoticed.

This isn't saying my stuff is just too good for the plebeians, I'm sure I have room to improve and if my stuff isn't for you or if you find some fault in it feel free to not read it and/or tell me how I can make it better. That's what this whole experiment's been about for me, self-improvement, and if the eye-searing pain I experience while reading Double Rainbow and Hearts of Gold (my oldest stories, written in 2013-2014) is any indication, it's been a success. :)

The point is that I'm young, I'm learning, and I don't really have to apologize for my books being the way they are* and you don't have to read it. I would appreciate, of course, if you did, as I'm sure most of you (who actually write, unlikely given the state of Wattpad these days) would appreciate me checking out and appreciating/critiquing your own stories.

*With the exception of Ashleap's Fall and Fandomstuck, which are so ungodly convoluted that every time I read them I cry. Likely also Hearts of Gold and Double Rainbow.

Anyhow, I'll be posting another chapter tonight with some art and commentary (Deja Vu anyone? I'm on it.) but I thought that this chapter looked a bit cluttered with both.

Oh yeah, one last thing? If you do read my stories, comments are always appreciated. I know I've said this a million times but I'm serious, I live for every comment I receive.