brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S1E21 'Unsolvable'

Captain Holt: Do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Jake: Yes.

Captain Holt: I was hula hooping.
Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun.

Jake: Oh, my God.

Captain Holt: I've mastered all the moves. The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle.

Jake: Why are you telling me this?

Captain Holt: Because no one will ever believe you.

Jake: You sick son of a bitch.

Rosa: Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, Scully?

Scully: I thought they'd make good confetti.

Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

Boyle: Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college playing field hockey.

Sergeant Jeffords: Men's field hockey?

Boyle: Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.

Amy: What are you doing this weekend?

Jake: Oh, opposite of the Berkshires. Workshires. Working. Whole weekend. Fighting crime.

Scully: I thought you wwere taking the weekend off to do your laundry.

Jake: Does crime take the weekend off to do its laundry, Scully?

Scully: No, it doesn't. Sorry.

Boyle: Thing is, it's so hard to talk at work because there's no privacy.
The roof is freezing, the holding cell is full of perps, and their romantic advice is not great.
It's always to tell Vivian, "bitch, get your life right!" I tried it.
She did not like it.

Gina: What's this weekend?

Amy: We rented a cabin in the Berkshires. We're taking a couple's cooking class and there's this great antiques fair.

Gina: Sounds like you two have a wonderful lesbian vacation planned.

Gina: Plus, the toilet paper is triple ply.

Boyle: It turns anyone's bottom into a VIP.

Jake: I have not slept in since I last saw you many hours. Plus, I think I'm hallucinating, because I'm pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.

Sergeant Jeffords: No, that's possible. My biceps mock a lot of people.

Jake: Now I'm telling my friend how you killed that guy.

Perp: It was for love.

Jake: Cool motive. Still murder.

Boyle: If I was a unicorn, I'd never be angry.