brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S1E18 'The Apartment'

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?

Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.

Jake: I didn't call him dad.

Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.

Boyle: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiance.

Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.

Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.

Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.

Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.

Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.

Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.

Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.

Captain Holt: I believed you-

Jake: Thank you.

Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?

Jake: I'd like that.

Captain Holt: Santiago!

Amy: Oh no, Santiago in B-flat. You're disappointed.

Amy: Sir, I think I speak for all of us when-

Rosa: She doesn't.

Jake: She doesn't.

Hitchcock: Not to brag, but Scully and I have a combined total of 14 arrests. Would have 20 but we only got 14.

Captain Holt: That's not enough arrests.

Hitchcock: Well, no one asked you. It's a self-evaluation.

Jake: I didn't wanna do this, but I do know one way we could get the money.

Gina: You'd make a decent prostitute.

Jake: I'd make an amazing prostitute.

Gina: Shall we turn some lights on?

Jake: Trying to save electricity, Gina.

Gina: Your massage chair is on.

Jake: Yeah, I'm poor. I'm not a savage.
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told y'all i'd have a new chapter up soon x