Note: this is going to be a longer chapter compared to my other chapters. If you dont like reading then oh well
Im scared for writing about this because if my friends are in school as i publish this and they read it in school, they'll look at me weirdly. But I need to get it out somehow, im pretty sure my friends at least support lgbt.
Im pretty sure my friends are going to see this before I confess to them about this, but I need to get this out to someone, even if its a bunch of strangers on the internet.
So, let me just start off with this. I don't like the fact that i have such a feminine body and a male jawline. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable that all of my friends have feminine bodies and feminine faces while im the only one with a more square face. Im ashamed of it. I think my face is fine, im ashamed of my figure. I guess you could say its Dysphoria to an extend. I don't hate my body so much that i'd rather die instead of have it, but I don't want to look down every time im in the shower, because im ashamed. I don't want to see myself.
I've been wearing more than once sports bra everyday to make my chest seem flatter and flatter. And im practicing trying to walk like most of the boys in my school. Im trying my best to not seem like a girl, but my mom wont cut my hair until summer. I don't want to come out to my family, i don't know their opinion on girls who want to be boys; or ftm transgender. And if they have a bad reaction, then my dysphoria wont go away if i stay with this body. I don't want to see their reactions, so i'm just not gonna tell them. I'd rather tell strangers on the internet.
If anyone reading this is my irl friend, I'd rather not talk about this in person, but you can talk about it through text.
I would feel a bit better if everyone reading this would call me Mali, or Malikai. I want to see if it works on me. I don't care what pronouns, or i wont care until i come out, which will probably be never. You could call me a toaster on an airplane for all i care. Or a hyperactive piece of paper. idc lol im getting off topic
Still Kiri ~😋
