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Brendon seemed to enjoy what I was doing, so why would I stop? I prop myself up and place my hand on his cheek, pushing it away from me to give me more access to his neck. He rolls his head back onto the seat and spread his legs open a bit.
I see this as an opportunity, so I get up and straddle him, placing both of my legs on either side of his thighs. We both look at each other momentarily, but then he grabs my cheeks and pulls me in. Our lips collide and I thank God that I at least know how to make out with someone.
"Fuck..." he groans as I grind on him.
How the hell did I end up here? Five years ago I hated Brendon's guts, now I want him deep in mine. He places both hands on my waist, holding me firmly. My hands find their way to his scalp, tugging lightly at the soft, brown hair.
"So... you're a virgin?" He breaks the kiss and looks at me, breathing heavily. I catch my breath, tucking a piece of hair from behind my ears.
"Yeah, I thought it was pretty obvious." I laugh a little and Brendon tilts his head.
"Why would you think that?" I shrug my shoulders and give him a stupid look.
"I was taken when I was thirteen and have been under strict surveillance ever since. I had no time to lose my virginity. You really think I would've lost it before I was thirteen?" He scoffs and pretends to act offended.
"Hey! There's nothing wrong with losing your virginity at thirteen, okay?" I giggle and place his hand on mine.
"Not everyone is like you though, I'm nervous. And now I'm eighteen and I'm still a virgin. Plus, I don't think I'll be losing it to anyone anytime soon." He looks at me one more time before leaning in, placing his hand on my cheek and pressing his lips to mine. I can feel myself melt into his arms as I go limp, letting him guide me through this experience.
I'm not exactly sure what's going on since my eyes are closed but I feel the leather seats against my back and my head is slowly laid down. I break the kiss for a moment so I can open my eyes. Turns out Brendon had just laid me down on the seat. He places his hands on my waist and smiles small, leaning back in to continue what he started.
My hands go down to his shirt, feeling for the bottom of it. I go under the shirt and run my hands up his bare back, feeling his stiffen against me. He does the same to me, feeling his hands up my shirt. I stop for a second, just to capture the moment. Brendon freezes, a worried expression on his face.
"Should I stop?" I shake my head no, smiling briefly.
"No, no, it's just new is all." I let my head rest on the car seat again and let his hands explore.
"Should I take it slow then?" I nod my head yes and wrap my legs around his waist, bringing him in a little closer. I reach up for his lips and continue to kiss him, feeling all these new sense of euphoria.
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His hands are cold against my stomach, causing a little giggle to interrupt our moment. Brendon breaks our kiss and looks at me, fighting back his smile.
"I'm sorry!" I laugh again, wrapping an arm around the back of his neck and pulling him in. My head falls closer to the speakers and I can hear the operatic melodies from Bohemiam Rhapsody. Although I couldn't remember anything about Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face', I find comfort in Bohemian Rhapsody. My mind wanders...
"So..." we walk across the street, while my phone plays music from out of my back pocket. I'm currently really into Queen, and have had the greatest hits album on repeat for the past couple of weeks. Nick was pretty much getting tired of it.
The snow barely covers the ground but it does create an atmosphere brisk enough to warrant a jacket. Although, I thought I'd be able to beat the wind chill, I found myself shivering the whole time. It only took Nick a couple blocks to notice, and soon he was taking his jacket off and wrapping it around me.
"Are you sure?" I ask, and he nods, gesturing to his black and gold hoodie. I smile and feel my cheeks heat up, and his hands brushes against mine multiple times before our fingers actually intertwine.
"It's nice to actually get out just us two." I say, taking my phone out of my pocket and turning the volume down slightly. The wicked guitar solo comes to a close and the operatic section of the song starts playing. My ears perk up, as this part of the song satisfies an itch in my brain.
"Yeah, I had asked Jules if she wanted to join but she was busy." My heart sinks a little. I guess it wasn't initially us two, it was Nick and Jules and me on the side, even though Nick was my boyfriend. I go a little silent, trying to focus on the music so I don't say something I'd regret.
"What's up?" I clearly can't hide my emotions well.
"Well it'd be nice for us to have plans that are just us. I'm not sure why we're always inviting Jules to come hang out with us. Wouldn't that make her feel weird?" Of course, you've got to pretend that you actually care for her feelings so you don't look like the bad guy for portraying yours. Boys absolutely hate when girls show any emotion other than happiness. ...Or horniness.
"No, Jules doesn't find it weird at all. She says it's like you and I aren't even a couple at all." I suck in my breath and bite my tongue to prevent retaliating. Of course she doesn't see us as a couple. She has her eye on him. Again, I let my ears focus on the music and it calms me down.
"Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for meee!" And now I'm back to my happy place, and Jules is out of my mind.
"Hey, Fae, you okay?" I open my eyes and realize that I am in fact not at home, I'm five years away from home. I can feel my stomach start to heat up and cause me pain, but I do as I've done this whole time: I hide it.
"Yeah sorry, the song had me thinking..." he tilts his head and rubs my back for me. I lean in again, trying to forget about that flashback. Our lips press together but instead of falling into a rhythm with his, mine start to curl down into a frown. A steady stream of tears find their way out of my eyes and on to my cheeks. Brendon stops once again and sighs, pulling me up from the seats and laying me in his lap.
"Alright, what's wrong?" He asks seriously, but I honestly don't know how to tell him.
"Music has just been reminding me of old memories a lot. I can't escape my own thoughts and they're eating me alive! Nick was the only thing I had left that could connect me to the outside world and now all he does is piss me off! The only way I can live my old life is through music and the memories I have associated with them, but every memory is a bad one!"
It's honestly not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be, but I've had to be somebody I'm not for the longest time. Brendon sighs and places his chin on top of my head, wrappings his arms around my torso and holding my hands. I sink deeper in his chest.
"You're still homesick, huh?" I nod my head slowly, playing with his fingers and spinning the rings on them around.
"I can't help it. I really have no issue with being here anymore, I've just started to miss everything from before too, y'know?" We both fall into a silence that isn't awkward nor comforting. More of a pondering quiet. We're both trying to gather our words but at the same time, we don't know what we want to say.
"I can understand that, obviously. You were thrown into this lifestyle completely against your will and you've basically had to adapt to it all the while being away from your loved ones and only being a little kid. I don't know what you're going through but I can imagine it isn't the easiest." Hmm, a better reaction that I was expecting. I thought he was going to get upset about me bringing up pre-kidnapping, which he used to back then. But right now -if anything- he's the one initiating conversation.
"Like trust me, I don't think about it often, but music just kind of guides my mind to the specific memory. The worst part is some songs that used to have that certain association with them give me absolutely no reaction anymore. I'm slowly losing memories of my childhood and my family. Fuck, Brendon, I can't even remember what my own dad looks like." Again, the tears start streaming down my face and I know they have no intentions of stopping. He tenses up and starts to run his hands through my hair, giving me the good ol' spew-out-your-thoughts head massage.
"I know this isn't going to comfort you, but neither have any of us. We've all dedicated ourselves to this group and honestly, I think we're all sick of it. But we decided to commit so much fucking crime that we can't ever show our faces in public. I fucked everyone over and there's nothing I can do about it." Woah, I was not expecting that. I turn my head around as far as I can to try and get a glimpse of Brendon and his facial expressions.
"Don't say that. Everyone was a consenting adult." I have no clue how to try and change the topic. I get so awkward talking about serious things and I feel so bad for making it worse with my efforts to try and make it better.
"Not you,"
Too stunned to speak, I decide not to. It'll just make matters worse.
"I have no idea what I've done. I just fucked my life up, getting involved in gangs early on and dropping out of school to do drugs." At this point I turn over and give him a hug, hoping that it will stop this conversation. I've never seen him open up this much. Normally he's a thick shell but something has made him a little weak.
"How about we stop talking about this? We came out here to take a break from negativity. Let's just enjoy each others company and pretend this never happened?" I offer, and I see his frown slowly curve back up into a smile.
"Yeah, sounds like a plan. Head back home and take a nap maybe?" I start to put my shoes on and go back into the front seat of the car. Brendon does the same, adjusting his seat settings once we get back in.
"Do you think we can listen to Queen on the way back? Just so I can feel something..?" He opens up the arm rest compartment and reveals a Queen 'Greatest Hits' CD, flicking his eyebrows towards the dash.
