Hideaway [h.s]

168

I have no idea what this gif is but rip omg

Harry Styles

I spent the rest of the day separated from Amelia. She has stayed in our room all day without leaving, and I had a lot of time to be alone with my deranged thoughts. I was so angry at myself, so fucking disappointed I let myself reach that level of anger again after so long without it. I haven't blacked out in a long time before today, it was like I was sober of it.

But she touched a soft spot, and it was a soft spot I didn't know had until I broke down in a boiling rage.

She told me I'll be an awful father.

This was no excuse to react the way I did, and if I could take it back then I would without a doubt. But I remember when she screamed those words of how I'd become a emotionally abusive father to our future child- and all it made me think about how terrible my own father was.

But because I'm all fucked up in the head, I've managed to scare and almost hurt Amelia. This time it was bad, she can't even look at me without showing that mirage of terror in her eyes. I don't know what I did when I was blacked out, I don't even know how we ended up in Liam's room. But by the state of his shredded door and the pan on the ground, I know this episode was a traumatic one.

I'm just as traumatized with myself so I can't even imagine how she feels.

It was night time now and I managed to keep my distance from her all day. Niall said it was for the best if I did that and for once I listened to someone else rather then myself. He checked on her through out the day to make sure she was okay, and I appreciated that, but I just wished it was me. I don't like having Niall doing all these things for her that I should be doing. He carries her to our room, checks on her, knows more about her pregnancy health then me, everything. And I know he's helping a lot, but the jealous side of me will always despise it. She's mine, and no one should get to do those things to her unless it's me.

But right now she didn't want me.

I spent the day cleaning up the mess I made in Liam's old room, trying to just keep my mind occupied so I wasn't obsessing over the fact my girlfriend was terrified of me and how I realized I call myself Axel when I'm blacked out.

It's been one shit of a day.

Not only did I clean up Liam's room, I cleaned the entire house. I did the dishes, cleaned out and scrubbed the cupboards, wiped down inside the fridge, swept and mopped all the floors, wiped the counter tops, flipped numerous loads of laundry, scrubbed the bathroom tiles, cleaned the shower, the toilet, the sink, I chopped some wood for the fireplace, fuck I even fixed the wobbly porch step.

It seemed that all the fixing and cleaning in the world couldn't keep me occupied enough. And when night came around and their was nothing left for me to possibly clean, things just got harder.