ARC10

Chapter 12.4

Now that my air is clear of Kai's raging testosterone, I identify the sharp movement in my stomach as stabbing guilt.

Guilt for wanting to make this easier on Dean based on an outdated respect for childhood friendships.

Guilt for believing it's not going to be enough.

Guilt because I can discern what's right, and it's not Kai's hand up my bra.

I heave an enormous gust of air and roll my eyes to the ceiling.

The lingering discomfort from earlier returns. It's the kind of turmoil remedied by a long chat with a best friend.

When I circle back to the training center, he's still there, going over the repetitions from when I first arrived ninety minutes earlier. My PAHLM says it's almost 2300. He should have tired out long ago. I roam over and get nothing but an icy reception.

"Want to go for a quick run to finish up?" I lean against one of the bars at his side and avoid eye contact.

We take the deserted track together in a slow jog.

"I'm in this," I say to the track.

"In what?"

I clear my throat and begin again, a bit louder because part of me can't believe I'm saying these words. "I'm in this. You know . . ." I gesture between us. "This."

He stops, grabs my hand, and pulls me back mid-stride. He searches my eyes for something I'm not sure I know how to show. "Are you sure?"

"Obviously. I mean, this has to finally be it, right? Look at me."

He does, and we resume our light jog.

"They shot me with so many fert-drugs, you probably knocked me up by sharing those mashed potatoes with me last night."

"Don't be stupid." He chuckles.

"I only just figured out this.  .  . this thing is happening to both of us. If we can have it before the mission begins, I think everything will be okay. So we should hope for the best, right?"

Dean remains quiet. In truth, the timing is perfect. I'll train, have it, and recover quickly so we're responsible for one. I can live with one. One new life is half of what I expect my doom to be.

"On one condition though," I say, swinging my attention back to the slump of the track.

"What's that?"

"If the kid gets to be taller than six feet, it's living in your pod on NOHA."

He bows his head to hide his smile.

We jog until we're almost too tired to make it back to our pods. As mine is way farther into the Rotunda's abyss than Dean's, he escorts me home.

At my front door, I drift around to say goodnight, and find his speckled brown eyes and hardened features searching my gaze. He lowers his head and hesitates, his lips a whisper away from mine.

I'm in this now. I tilt my chin to meet him in the middle, both of our lips locked. When I part them to inhale, he takes it as an invitation to move in.

The kisses we shared before were sterile and blank in comparison to this symphony of movement. His hands move from my face to the back of my head. He dives deeper into my mouth and holds me closer. His arms wrap around my shoulders until I'm completely engulfed by his body. We stay this way, our bodies fusing together like a beautiful alignment of stars on a clear night.

He releases me from his lips, but his arms remain around me. "Goodnight, Nika."

He places one last wisp of a kiss on my lips again.

"'Night," I whisper back, unable to climb off this cloud I'm floating on.

Boneless, I slap my PAHLM against the scanner. It chugs open a crack, and I'm able to stumble through on unsteady legs. When the door finally closes, I flail with my useless arms and legs and manage to flop onto one of the mismatched couches in the common room. No one is here to watch my heart crash through my ribs.