Fallback Girl (Chat MD Series #3)

Day 57

(Hannah's anonymous diary online)

Tonight, I met with love through a poem; in a dark and cold bar, without a clue that all along, it had me.

I felt its power for the first time. The fury it hid when I saw him holding someone else. That enslaving desire to give in to a kiss and make someone mine. That scary, scary feeling.

And I thought, I wouldn't want to own anyone. Because in reality, what we want to own controls us. Seek for wealth and the work hours will own you. Seek fame and the world will own you. Seek love and another person will own you—your thoughts, your feelings, your reactions.

What is falling in love but giving someone the absolute power over your own heart, your own thoughts, and your own body? It will defy your will and your logic. It will defy your sensibilities. It will claw on you and make you crave until you can do nothing but to give in.

Soon, he will control your happiness, your sadness, your rage, your sanity... That person will be blinding. Totally.

I haven't seen a love like this. I swore that I wouldn't be controlled by something like this. I wouldn't hope just to hurt and get hurt. I wouldn't give false promises. I wouldn't show people something impossible just to disappoint.

But love had me.

It had me all along. Every little moment that I spend with him... fuels this night. I understand my own heartbeat through that poem. I heard my own argument through that poem. I was exposed.

And when he kissed me... there was no going back.

He won over me.

Now it feels like I will never be happy unless I'm his. And I couldn't be his because of Z.

I could make this simple and just disappear. But where do I go?

There is only one world I know. It has my family, my work, and Papa on it.

There is no way to resolve this but to go through it.

And along the way, I know, I will disappoint people and hurt people because of this love. The way love disappointed me and hurt me before. The way love abandoned and scarred Z before. The way love abandoned J and made him vulnerable.

What do we do with this love if it's out to ruin us?

Get ruined. Completely.

But will it be worth it? How do I spare him from me?