oh boy oh boy oh boy i haven't done one of these in so long if u remember the last one props to u because here we go again oh boy trigger warning dysphoria and toxic relationships/friendships and things like that i guess haha here we go!!!!!!!! i'm so angry at myself for so many things alright
-i have fucking commitment issues.
i can't handle commitment for the life of me, i need constant change in things, and it's why i can't ever make myself stay in a relationship no matter how much i desperately want to because i can't deal with that kind of commitment like if u tell me it's unofficial dating i could probably do it exactly the same way as an official relationship but the idea of commitment terrifies me so much i want to do couple things with people i want to go on dates and hold hands and kiss people and cuddle people but nobody does those things with anyone unless you're dating and i can't handle dating not unless there's a lot of unofficial stuff beforehand it just makes me panic and run myself into the ground over it and i hate that about myself.
-i make friends with the wrong people a lot of times
if i'm friends with you don't take this personally because it probably isn't about you and you've probably heard these stories before but
1) someone made me promise i'd never leave them and they promised they'd never leave me and they were the first person i ever really relied on besides ***** and then they disappeared and i texted them and they didn't respond until yesterday, when i wished them a happy birthday and they said thanks and then didn't respond again but i miss them so much and i'm beating myself up about it and i hate it.
2) one person basically used me and flirted with me all the time but also made jokes about me and my friends and cheated on tests off of me and talked shit about people i was close with and thought they were so much cooler than everyone else and i believed it. but they're so much more talented than me at a lot of things and i wish i could handle that but i always get myself down about these things.
3) one person was always there for me, no matter what happened, told me they loved me and every night it was "goodnight i love you" and one day i realized that it was just "gn" and everything crashed down around me and then we wouldn't talk for days at a time and then i texted them throughout months with no response and when i finally called them out on it they told me i was overreacting even though they knew about my issues and fears when it came to things like that; they even helped me deal with the first person who ever ditched me like that, they should know things like that, right?
-dysphoria
i could fix this all! i could fucking fix it! except i'm a coward!
my mom would be totally fine with me coming out!! it would all be okay!! but i'm too much of a coward to do it!! wow i hate myself for that!! i've come out to a bunch of people but i can't come out to my parents i'm too scared and i hate it and i just want to cut my hair and get a binder but getting the things i want would put so much stress on my family because we can't afford things like that and it upsets me so much oh boy we're poor and i hate it
-my desperate need for attention
hahahaha here we go oh boy i hate being the first to text people and i always think about isolation whenever i don't get attention and i hate that i need constant reassurance that people care.. i just hate! myself! oh boy i'm so upset at myself for being so dependent on people and things and ahahahah everything is fine! i'm sorry guys i'll stop i just needed to get that out
