In Time with you~~ (B2ST)

the author's feeling.

today as I am writing another chapter I heard my family laugh with so much joy.thinking that I wasn't together with them because I am writing I felt a little wave of sadness wash over me.

*are they happier when I'm not around?* i thought to myself.

to tell you the truth I am very sad right now.

I could hear their laughter very clearly.

my brother, my sister, my father and my mother.

if I could only cry. I would.

but its christmas. I should be happy.

i wish I was a part of that laughter.

when my mother buys something she would always give the more grand object to my sister. 

and I am very jealous by that. sure she buys me things. but I don't need that. I need her to praise or even to be proud of me.

given that I have many achievements. I strive so hard just to make them proud. but they wouldn't even say. "I'm proud of you daughter....keep it up.." instead they would just say. " YOU SHOULD'VE PERFECTED IT THEN!" 

it really hurts me to write this but I think this is the only way I could release my feelings...

whenever I am around we are all quiet.

when I am not they are all happy.

what do you think I would feel by that?

I feel like an outcast.

but I cannot even fight.

whenever I think about the phrase " MY FATHER is NOT proud of me."

tears would fall.

I wish.

I wish...

my heart is breaking into peices. I just heard them laugh again.

*I WANT TO JOIN THE FUN TOO!* my mind shouted.

*CANT YOU GET IT? THEY ARE MORE HAPPY!* my heart kept telling me.

I would force a smile just to balance everything but....

my mind couldn't take it.

they would even accuse me of things.

of course I did that in the past BUT PLEASE DO UNDERSTAND I HAVE CHANGED! 

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?!

i would lie to myself that everything is alright.

but no.

sometimes I even heard them talking badly about me behind my back.

when I come back they turn silent.

and they make me their prisoner.

when I look into their eyes it kept saying "you are not my daughter,"

my heart is bleeding...

so badly...

I bet they could not even notice that I am not around.

my brother would even make a joke that really hurts me.

"you know, we could've been rich if you weren't BORN! aahahahahahaahaa!!!" he would say.

but all I could do is smile and look down.

he would always say when I make a mistake "you're an abnormal you know that? asshole..."

there was one time when I was reviewing for exams and it was 6 pm which was our normal dinner time. I saw my sister go inside her room.

I asked her "hey have you eaten?" I asked her.

"yeah. why haven't you eaten? go eat then." she said.

i went to our kitchen and saw my mom washing the dishes.

"bakit di niyo manlang ako tinawag?" I weakly asked.

"bakit parte ka ba ng pamilyang ito?(....) sige umupo ka na diyan. lulutuan kita ng hotdog." she said and went  to cook hot dog for me.

when I heard that I wished that I wasn't born.

ahehehe... right now as I am writing this sentence my tears are uncontrollably falling.

"AHHAHAHAHAHAHA ......" yes. I am laughing.

its so funny how they would play with my feelings. 

but whenever I felt like crying or when I am frustrated I just listen to B2ST and let them carry me to a place where there are no problems or insults...

they would always make a way for me to smile and forget about my problems.

their songs just....

make a way and just soothe my heart like they are hugging it tightly. whispering "hey...we are here now... dont cry anymore...."

each and every member whispers good things....

they would always say that listening to such things like B2ST is really stupid.

but for me. it doesn't even matter what they look like.

their voice...

is the thing that keeps my emotions in check.

but right now. I am just thankful because of B2ST. 

but i am also really sad and miserable.

sometimes i just think *look I'm tired of fighting....can I just give up?*

just like a person running for miles, they do get exhausted.

like me I am already EXHAUSTED. I want to give up already....

I feel like my soul is breaking down.

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I am sorry if I made a unnecessary chapter. I just.......

I really needed to express how I really feel.

by the way. MERRY CHRISTMAS.