Transform Me (A "Shatter Me" Trilogy Fanfiction)

TWENTY-ONE: NEGOTIATIONS

21: Negotiations

            Thanks to Kenji’s ability, we are able to slip out of the base without a single hitch.  The whole time we’re making our way through, my senses are on high alert, and I’m ready to make a move at the slightest hint of trouble.  Since it’s only a little after midnight, the darkness makes it nearly impossible for me to see.  But the entire time, nothing goes amiss as he stealthily navigates us past the checkpoints.  It’s clear he’s done this before.

             It’s a strange sensation not being able to see myself—not a limb or strand of hair in sight.  Kishimoto is completely invisible as well, and the only assurance I have of his presence is his unseen hand holding mine so I won’t get lost.  The whole time, we barely speak to each other, aside from whispers of instructions and directions.

             We carry on in this manner even when we’ve made it outside the base.  It takes another half hour before Kenji finally ensures that we’re in the clear.  Then all at once, we’re both visible again.  Then abruptly lets go of my hand and starts walking in the general direction towards Souseiki Dousa.  Yet neither of us speaks.  He doesn’t even check to see if I’m following – not that he needs to. 

 I know that this is my choice.  This distance was what I told him I wanted.  Still, the fact that he’s ignoring me stings a bit.

            The journey back to Souseiki Dousa could take between seven to nine hours on foot, and if we continue to remain this way all throughout the journey, I wouldn’t be able to stand the silence.  Over the two weeks we spent together on the base, I’ve grown accustomed to constantly hearing his voice.  I’ve gotten used to his ticks and nuances, his jokes, our playful banter.

How did things become so awkward between us so quickly?           It’s like there’s a wall in between us, and I can’t help but feel responsible for putting it up

             We continue to walk in uncomfortable silence.  Even when we stop to eat sixty minutes later, not a single word passes through our lips.  Then another hour of solitude passes.  Then another.  And another.  It’s almost unbearable.

             Finally, I can’t take it anymore.  “What are you thinking about?”

             He seems mildly surprised that I’ve spoken.  “A lot of things.  Mostly about…well, you know…about us.”

              “I’m so sorry, Kenji.”

             He shakes his head.  “I shouldn’t have pressed you for an answer and kissed you.  I mean, you never returned my affections over the past few days.  It was foolish of me to expect anything.”

             The guilt claws through me.  I want so badly to explain myself, but the words escape me once again, just when I need them the most.  But still, I try anyway.

             “I want you to know that what transpired a few hours ago was all so…new and sudden to me.  You have to understand that growing up, I had a lot of plans, but being in a relationship had never been one of them.  And with all this Reestablishment business going on, a relationship is the farthest thing from my mind right now.”  I hesitate.  “Until I met you.”

             I see him tense, then he slides me a look.  “What are you getting at here?”

             Shaking my head miserably, I sigh.  “I don’t even know.  I’m probably not making any sense.”

             “Then start making some.”

             I let out a frustrated groan.  “Cut me some slack.  This whole…opening-up-and-talking-about-my-feelings thing is something at which I don’t quite excel.  I need a few minutes to organize my thoughts.”