Finding Home (The Affair Series Book 3)

Saying Hi

As Stef spent the last day in Michigan she couldn't help but take one last walk down the block she ran down so many times as a kid. Sometimes barefoot in the cold to escape her mother and hiding in a neighbors backyard until she felt it was safe. Sure it never really was all the safe and eventually when she did get back home either Sharon would be drunk and passed out or out with one of her men.  For Stef's sake she would forget about the beating but soon enough it would come.

Right now the blonde's brain continued to be overloaded, working overtime and trying to process the place that brought her so much pain. She tried to process her life with aunt Fran and Debbie as a kid, what she had missed out on and coming to terms with the fact that she was moving her life in a good direction.  The process was long, it was grueling at times and rather painful but each day she was healing more and more. Each day her and aunt Fran got even closer, each day her and Lena got closer and each day her and her kids got closer. At times she was eager to head back to California so the family could continue their life but Stef knew she had to see this trip through and feel what she needed. 

Truthfully if she was honest Stef wasn't sure how she was feeling or if she was comprehending much. Maybe a bit as she walked with her hands in her pockets taking in the bitter cold Michigan air. One thing was for certain the cold never really bothered her for as a kid she had grown accustomed to never having proper clothes for anything really. Most winters she never had a hat, gloves or a warm coat for Sharon couldn't be bothered. It was only by the kindness of one teacher in grade school that she got a coat and warm clothing.  Fran had tried but Sharon would instantly see the new items and toss them. That's how it went everytime as the blonde jogged down the old block never thinking she would see adulthood.

Sometimes the memories of Sharon's abuse, and even her own failure as a mother with Frankie, Callie and Jude woke her up at night. The thoughts were a bitch, they were draining but she was learning to process what she had went through and she was learning to forgive herself for how she behaved when her children were younger. Immaturity she couldn't really blame it on always infact there was nothing to blame it on only her upbringing and what she saw. But Stef learned it was her choice whether she wanted to continue to behave that way or be the person she wanted her kids to look up to. Everything was in her favor, everything and the support system she had would never fail her. Her many talks with Fran continued to allow her to see things differently as well especially when the older woman continued to admit the many mistakes she had made as well. That she wasn't perfect but accepted the past and the pain it may have inflicted on both her and Debbie.

"You can blame yourself forever honey. You really can baby but it won't move you forward.  You have to forgive yourself in terms of your kids and in terms of Diane and Lena. We have all made mistakes in this life, we have all done things we aren't proud of and it seems based on what you told me that Diane forgave you." Fran said as the two sat outside the house sipping on coffee. It had been another night that Stef's dream woke her as well as Fran. The two only continued to learn how much alike they really, really were.

"I know. And she has, well they both have. I was just so dumb to keep hurting her and sleeping around as much as I did. I don't know half those women I fuc..I mean slept with. And for what? You know. What was the purpose of hurting a woman I wanted to marry, that took so much of my shit and loved my kids. I'll never understand it."

"Maybe you won't and maybe you will honey. Maybe on day you will understand what you did and why to the full extent. But even if you don't understand it accept that it was what you did and try to forgive yourself. I know you feel bad for how much you hurt Diane back then I know...

"We slept alot together last summer." She blurted out looking to her aunt.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well are you still in love with her?" The older blonde asked sitting beside her niece patiently waiting for an answer.

"I love her. Always will mama. But, we said our goodbyes you know. And it hurt like a fucking bitch. We had no choice because we knew that we had to let each other go.  No matter how hard I didn't want that to be the case we were no longer good for each other.  We got stuck in old ways and we agreed.  We agreed to let each other go."

"It's ok you know sweetheart. It is. Doing the right thing isn't always the easiest. Do you feel it was a good choice?"

"Yes. Because god am I in love with Lena. I love her so much." The younger blonde confessed smiling as Fran returned it.

"I know you do. So you trust that feeling and go with it. Listen baby, you will always feel something for Diane. Always and that's ok. But you know Lena is the one and I think always will be. So you love her, you cherish her and you let her be there. But you be there for her too and you make it work like you have been. Hear me little girl?" Gently holding the younger woman's hand Stef could only smile at her aunt. 

"I hear you."

"Good. You deserve to be happy and you deserve Lena. Never forget that. Ever baby."

Shaking the memories out of her head Stef jogged a little faster as the cold air left her mouth. Long gone were her tattered ripped clothing as a kid, her dirty and matted hair and her thin frail body. All of that mess was gone as she found herself stopped in front of a familiar home. A home she had never been allowed to enter ever again as the day Amanda's mother slammed the door in her face made her heart feel heavy. Of course now she understood what the issue had been and knew Sharon threatened the girls mother. It wasn't a surprise but the blonde never forgot about her as she found herself walking up the steps. Odds were Amanda no longer lived there she was pretty sure and if she did she would most likely not really remember the blonde. Giving it a try and just as she was about to ring the doorbell she heard a voice behind her.

"Hi may I help you?" Stef heard and turning around as big as day with the same exact face but older was Amanda. 

"Amanda?" She blurted out as the older woman looked confused walking up the steps.

"Yes. I'm sorry you are?"

"I'm sorry, I um...Stef. Stef Foster. From...

"From Warren Elementary."

"Yeah." The blonde said growing shy as Amanda let out a smile. "You, you remember?"

"Yes. Now that I look at you. And who forgets their first kiss." She laughed as the blonde did as well. "It's really nice to see you Stef. Would you like to come in?"

"Um I don't want to impose. I just wanted to see if you were still here and say hi."

"Please come in. I have to drop my mother's medicine off anyway. I'll make some coffee."

Nodding her head the blonde followed her friend inside not even really knowing why she had knocked on the door. Maybe it was another chapter she needed to close in her life book.