So I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe it's a last cry for help. Maybe it will make me feel better. But I'm tired of pretending. I just want people to understand my pain
I'll probably delete this later but for now have this sappy thing
My mom has been emotionally/mentally abusive to me for pretty much my whole life.
The only friends i had when i was little only kept me so they could use me and make fun of me in front of their other friends so they could look cool. I never knew what a true friend was for a long time.
I tried to run away once when i was 6 or 7. didn't make it past my driveway lol
I started dealing with depression when i was about 12 years old. I'm not sure why it happened, but it did
The suicidal thoughts started shortly after i turned 14, self harm following quickly after. It was also around this time that the panic attacks started, accompanying my social anxiety that I've had since I was a kid. At the time I didn't even know what a panic attack was, I just knew that I would randomly not be able to breathe, everything around me would turn blurry, and I felt like I was going to die every time. It's never been bad enough to put me in the hospital or anything, but it feels like it will every time. I think I can safely say that they've gotten worse recently.
From fifth grade to ninth, I went to this awful private christian school that made my life hell. I was always bullied and picked on not only by the kids but by the teachers as well. I don't even know how many times some certain kids told me to kill myself. The teachers always accused me of cheating, making me re-take quizzes and tests over and over because of it. Needless to say I was a huge rebel at the time.
My grandma died in april of 2015.I was close to her, but i didn't know how to cope with losing someone, so i've never really dealt with it in the "healthy" way. after she died my impulsive papaw sold his house and we made a small apartment in our basement for him so he moved in with us after a couple months.
My parents found out about my suicidal thoughts the july following her death as well as my pastor because of a very real church service. i started counseling with my pastor and my parents judged me for everything more than they already did. The first thing my mother did after she found out was tell almost everybody she knew that her daughter wanted to kill herself. I've never trusted her since then. Should never have trusted her in the first place.
My papaw died in September of 2016. this pretty much devastated me. i was probably the closest to him out of everyone in our family. my dad found him collapsed in the shower downstairs. the memory haunts me... my dad started performing cpr on him and since i am a certified cpr person i had to take over when my dad got tired. this haunts me and i blame myself for my papaw's death because i couldn't save him. I think that, since then, I've developed some sort of ptsd. Before he died literally NOTHING scared me when it came to loud, unexpected noises. my frens would get so mad at me because they could never scare me. after he died, however, if someone sets a cup down too hard, i nearly jump out of my skin. I remember the whole week following his death I was just curled up in an armchair, reading mphfpc, being scared to death every time someone breathed too loudly. I still haven't been in that downstairs bathroom since then.
The day after my papaw died, my brother who lives in colorado who i haven't/hadn't seen since 2014 called my mom. he had been "missing" and not calling or anything for a few months at the time. he told mom he hated us and he never wanted to see us again. he didn't give a shit that papaw was dead.
After my papaw's death I started not only cutting myself but hurting myself in any way possible, burning, punching things, punching myself, whatever. anything and everything. i was so overwhelmed by the sudden unexpected losses in my family and i didn't/haven't coped with papaw's death very healthily either.
The day after thanksgiving, november 27th in 2016, was my second suicide attempt. i almost bled out. i was stupid enough to text my pastor and tell him i was sorry for everything. needless to say i was on suicide watch for about a year and was constantly being watched by someone. i started therapy that made things worse instead of helping, and took antidepressants which, after a year of taking them, i just stopped because they didn't help either and i didn't want to go through the process of finding medication that worked. I've decided that I want to recover without pills that fuck with your mind. since then i have lied about my mental health and my parents think im 100% better
n july of last year, i started drum lessons with an AMAZING guy at church and if i ever had to describe an angel it would be him. after just a few months i told him everything i'm telling you now and we meet every once in a while during youth because he's too damn nice
my brother called november of last year to remind us how much he hates us. we're pretty sure he's addicted to drugs. Last picture we saw of him, he looked like a completely different person. I know he didn't go nuts because of me, but I can't help but to blame myself just a little bit every now and then because he didn't even stay around for his little sister.
In january, my aunt died. i wasn't that close to her but she's always been there, y'know? they didn't even have a funeral for her.
My last suicide attempt was february. i grabbed a punch of pills and took them. the only person i've told irl is my drum teacher. Since then I've barely been able to eat anything without my stomach hurting and I feel like I'm dying. I also have an even worse gag reflex than I did before that. I can't even look at a pill without wanting to throw up.
Last thing, here's a body chart
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Well there you have it... again I don't know why I posted this. I'll most likely delete it after a few days. I guess the depression and shit has gotten worse recently so I just felt like I needed to share.
