The Pastafarianism Bible

The Story of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while

*As transcribed by Pious Pirate aka Tupi and Pedantic Pastrian Priest aka Thrippy

Part 1

1 Hear this tale, ye believers, of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates!
2 Long, long ago though not during the Chinese Long Dynasty or the British Long Parliament the FSM flew over the Indian Ocean where by chance (although there is no „chance‟ or coincidence with Him) his saucy eye fell on a ship that lay there lacking wind.
3 In order to avoid misunderstandings: His eye fell metaphorically and the ship‟s crew had the winds due to too much beans.
4 By its shape He recognized it as a junk and by the sounds that came from it - heavy in Yarrr!, Aarrrgh! And YoHoHo! - as a pirate vessel.
5 At that time He had not yet made His covenant with the pirates, but listen further, ye believers, what happened!
6 A smell (apart from unwashed clothes and bean winds) rose (not the flower) from the ship and touched His noodly nostrils.
7 This smell He knew so well and highly it pleasesd Him.
8 "Though this may be a junk, this is not the smell of junk food!"
9 And invisibly He descended on the vessel and His Noodly Appendage touched it gently.
10 In the ship‟s galley stood the cook being quite old and mostly deaf and unfit to swing the cutlass outside his kitchen anymore.
11 "No more beans", the captain had said repeatedly and increasingly louder. "I am farting myself comatose! No more of it, Basta!"
12 As already said the cook was deaf and just understood: "Garlic trifles, tomatoes comfort it, Pasta!"
13 They had just plundered, pardon liberated, a Persian ship transporting vegetables - therefore the beans - and had found some red balls unknown to them.
14 Those were created by the FSM quite recently but that is another tale.
15 "These must be tomatoes then, there is nothing else here I don‟t know the name of!"
16 "So, the captain wants a paste of these with garlic."
17 "But they seem to be mainly water (Netherland import presumably), I need a bit of more substance!"
18 "The flour is getting mouldy anyway, the eggs likewise, so let‟s make noodles and add this stuff!"
19 And he cut and meshed the tomatoes, added some spice at random, put it all in the pot and cooked it.
20 At this moment He entered the kitchen, touched the cook‟s shoulder with His Noodly Appendage and spoke:
21 "Buddy, that pasta smells f***ing good!" (He has His way with swear words)

22 The cook, touched by Him, felt the Divine and heard the words: "Bodhisatwa, smiling god." (he was a Buddhist, you know.) and trembled part in awe, part in joy.
23 "He doesn‟t properly listen.", murmured He in His beardlike noodles.
24 "something missing", heard the cook.

25 And on the deck the captain shouted at a green recruit: "For this job you need balls!"
25a And the captain's voice was like a British drill sergeant's that will reach even the recruits already dead letting them jump to attention in their shallow graves.
26 "Meat balls! That‟s it", cried the cook and began to turn the meat grinder that doubled as a prayer mill coincidentally.
27 And he recited the Mantra: "Oh, Man, Pasta, Yum!"

Chapter 2

1 And the cook formed tasty meatballs, grated the cheese and did all the things right and proper for the divine meal in His honour.
2 And He looked at everything the cook had done and behold, everything was very good.
3 But the cook said, "It is not good for the food to be alone! Let us prepare proper drinks as companion, for a pirate's throat shall never go dry; and hoarse only when it adds to the atmosphere."

4 But in vain he searched the hold.
5 There was only stale water and not much of it either
5a Neither were there many other words but 'but' and 'and' to start a sentence.
6 And the Anti-Past, who had silently crept into the ship behind His back, whispered into the cook's ear.
7 "What use is the divine food without beer or schnaps? Throw it away and serve them hardtack and stale water as befits humble seafarers!"
8 But the cook didn't listen to the temptation by the Anti-Past.
9 Being old and half-deaf has its advantages, you see!
10 He tried his best to improve the meagre drink by putting some spices into it, that's all he could do.
11 The FSM, who noticed the treacherous advances of the Anti-Past, became angry at the Foul Lord of the Diets and with a single touch of His Noodly Appendage sent him to the landlocked red states there to fight unhealthy obesity.
12 Beware, oh ye people, of the Anti-Past.
13 His balls are ersatz soy-meat and don't even ask what his appendages are made of
14 With rich food but poor drink ready the cook sounded the bell and the crew arrived.
15 They took the food from him and divided it under themselves, so that the scripture should be fulfilled:
16 "The Pasta they have taken from me and divided it under themselves and filled their stomachs.
17 Then some of the crew complained about the lack of proper drink but the captain stooped