Heliophilia (camren)

Chapter 8

Chapter 8:
Time is something Ive always found to be fluid, not dependable and always fleeting. In retrospect of my life, 17 years isn't all that long, but it's a lot longer than 4 weeks. Yet over the past few days I've come to realise some bits of time is worth more than some others. Years wasted binge drinking with Mac and friends who didn't really know me was worthless in comparison to a week with Lauren, just her and me. She wasn't what you expected; her secretive disposition always leading people astray. She was actually adorable when she talked about things she was passionate about and she didnt have time for anything she wasn't interested in. She knew that life was too short for small talk and formalities and social rules, she defied them to squeeze the last bit of enjoyment out of life. She doesn't need to talk all the time, a silence with her is just as good as a conversation with a thousand words. She's not a violent person by nature, never raising her voice and her temperament was the most patient I've ever known. Shes beautiful without knowing, the kind of beautiful you feel walking home under streetlights at night or when you laugh bubbled out of you when you're crying. Shes beautiful inside too, her mind and her thoughts should be put in museums for people to see. She was perfect, we fit together so well that I could feel it in my chest we were special; and that's why I can't be with her.
Nothing in my life has ever been 'perfect'. That was never on the cards for me, everything had to be either compromised or been tainted by the harsh reality of where I fit on the social ladder. I didn't deserve nice things, fairytale love was bound to be snatched from my reach the second I fall in love because that's how it's always been. It was no different for my friends, my parents; everyone who was in my life was the same. Lauren was someone I was graced with by accident, our paths crossed because of spontaneous decisions and bad choices, even though in my back of my mind I'd like to think it was fate. But I can't think that was because there's no such thing as fate and true love and happily ever after, so I decided I can't fall in love with her. I can't let myself fall because the second she catches me something will happen to mess it up and once I get a glimpse of what being in love with her is like, the rest of my life will be a disappointment.
"You okay?" She asks as she takes my hand as we drive along the wide, open road.
"Hmm, just thinking" I respond but I slip my hand out of hers. I wanted to hold her hand, it was soft and delicate and butterflies went crazy in my stomach when she did but red lights went off my head, my mind screaming at me to protect my heart.
As I look out the window I feel her eyes dancing on my skin before she speaks.
"Do you know how beautiful you actually are Camila?" She asks with sincerity and it takes me a second to regain myself as my heart fluters.
"You should, people like you deserve to know" she continues as her eyes find the barren road again. "Ill make sure you do" she finished quietly and I don't know how to respond, so I don't. We drive in silence for what seems like hours until a huge cluster of trees comes into our view, but instead of driving right by them she takes a sharp turn into them.
"Lauren what are you doing?!" I scream as she keeps up her speed going through the trees until she comes to a sudden stop. I try to catch my breath as she chuckles beside me.
"That wasn't funny Lauren" I snap and get out of the car, irritated at the fact my heart swelled when I heard her little chuckle.
"Baby, look, I'm sorry" she says jogging in front of me. I cross my hands over my front and mask my face with a scowl and I see confusion taking place on her face.
"What's wrong?" She asks quietly and I can't get over how cute she looks.
"We've got a job to do Lauren. Get to El Paso with the papers, not mess around in forests" I reply and I see her trying to make sense of everything.
"Did I do something wrong? I thought-I thought you..liked me" she mumbled the last bit and looked down at the ground. This wasn't the same Lauren that shot her brother in the arm and races cars, this is the Lauren who can't read and walks me back to my room because its dark. Her many layers are contrastable but so endearing.
"I can't like you, okay? Just..just except it" I say before looking at her. She's got a hurt expression on her face, looking at me like I just kicked her puppy.
"We can be friends I suppose" I finish and I see her visibly swallowing a lump in her throat. "Well we're staying in the forest tonight, the tank is overheating in the engine so we need to rest" she mumbles before turning to the car and getting our stuff out of the trunk of the boot.
She throws them on her back before making her way over to me. She goes to hold my hand but I flinch back.
"Friends can hold hands Camila" she says softly and I can't help but cave in when her eyes are looking at me like that. When she laces our fingers together my tummy flips and I internally groan at my involuntary actions. We walk for what feels like hours under the blistering sun until I hear the pitter-patter of water. She leads us through one last cluster of bushes until we come to the mouth of a waterfall, crashing down into a small lake below.
"How did you even know this was here?" I ask baffled as she puts the bags down on the dry ground not far from the lake.
"It was on the map" she smirks and I feel quiet stupid that I didn't think of that since we spent all morning hunched over the hood of the car with the map spread out on it, trying to find a short cut.
I stare at the waterfall in front of me, how pretty it is and how this is the first time I've ever seen one. I look over at Lauren to see her shirtless and pulling off her shorts. Before I let myself get distracted I cover my eyes and look away.
"Lauren what are you doing?" I ask and I hear her shuffle about behind me.
"Im getting into the water, and so are you" she says and I feel her body heat radiating from behind me.
"You've got thirty seconds, or I throw you in" she whispers in my ear and I shiver, her voice was husky but delicate. It registered in my mind that she was actually going to throw me in if I didn't act quickly, but suddenly I was conscious of her gaze.
"Don't look" I say but I don't feel her body heats absence.
"Why? It's not like we've not done this before" she whispers before she places a little feather kiss on my shoulder.
"No lauren" I say as I turn around to stare into her green eyes.
"Friends" I say warningly but she doesn't seem phased at all. "Now turn around" I say and I see her smirk before she spins around but I can't help but let my eyes trail down the curve of her back, how her hair falls down her spine in a hypnotising way. Down her amazing ass that looks so good in the jeans she was weari-
I snapped myself out of it and turned around, peeling my top off myself before unbuttoning my shorts and pulling them down, but all the while I felt eyes boring holes into my back. I turn around slowly to see her looking over her shoulder at me, but not with a lustful gaze; it was full of adoration, as if she's screaming "you're beautiful" with her eyes and for once, I don't intervene. I give her a small smile and nervously tuck a lock of hair behind my ear as she starts to turn around. Yet I can't help myself but getting nervous about how special the moment feels, and when she starts to get closer and closer to her I panic and do the first thing I think of; I push her into the water.
She resurfaces after a while, spitting water out and her hair wet before screaming "get yourself in here now little lady" she sasses and I let out a little laugh.
"You ready?!" I scream before taking a run up to edge before throwing myself into it. I swim to the surface to see Lauren drenched in water trying to get the hair out of her face.
"You look like a drowned kitten" I laugh out as she splashes me. I splash her back before going under the water quickly. I feel her splash under with me, her body suddenly close to mine. I open my eyes and I can see a fuzzy outline of her, her frame inches from mine. My lungs scream for air and we both come to the surface of the water, still extremely close. We're both trying to catch our breath as she moves closer to me, her nose brushing mine and I feel her hands on my hips. My breath hitches and I can feel her hot breath on my lips. After what seemed like hours of just staring into her eyes she speaks.
"Why are you fighting this Camila?" She whispers and I can feel myself caving in, my walls collapsing as she delicately rubs my bare thighs. But she deserved better, so I lightly pushed her away, swallowed the lump in my throat and swam to the edge of my lake.
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Darkness set in but we were still drenched from the water. Lauren set up a fire and we tried our best to cook dinner and warm up, all in silence. I caught her staring at me multiple times, but I always looked away. She was back at the car while I lay on my back, staring up at the stars. I always found it sad how ill never see everyone of them, how they all deserve to be admired. I heard Lauren come back but I didn't move until I felt her body lie down beside mine. I kept my eyes trained on the stars and try to stop wondering what she's thinking, I try to stop focusing on her eyes boring into the side of my face and the butterflies I get from having her so close. Suddenly I feel a light touch on my pinky finger, and I look down to see her smallest finger entwining with mine. Against my better judgement I move my head to look at her face and I was a little shocked to see how close we really were.
"Were you looking at the stars?" She asks quietly and I nod, not trusting my voice. She shuffles a little closer, our noses touching and I can see the sparks of colour in her eyes. The light from the fire illuminated her face in such a pretty way, I wanted to take the moment and put it in a jar and hide it away somewhere specially for a rainy day. She really was beautiful, the beautiful that you can't even try being. It's a kind of subconscious beauty, she doesn't try yet here I am, my breath hitching as I stare into her eyes.
"Do you want them?" She asks again and my face etched with confusion.
"Ill get them for you, ill sweep the sky, catch everyone of them and tuck them in your pillow while you sleep" she whispers and as she talks I can feel her breath on my face, softly tickling my skin.
"You worth every last one" she says finally. I can see her eyes flicker down to my lips and back up to my eyes and I can see where this is going. She slowly leans in and gives me the softest kiss possible and the butterflies in my stomach go crazy, I missed her lips so much. It ached to have to push her away so much, to constantly build walls up for her to keep knocking down. She leans in closer, her hands finding my hips as I kiss her back. My hands go to her hair as she tilts her head to deepen the kiss, and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my skin burned where she touched me. She runs her tongue along my bottom lip and that's the wake up call I needed. I quickly pull back and get up as if someone scolded me. I plod over to the other side of the fire and I sit down and I see her sitting up, running her hand through her hair looking dazed out.
"Is-is it me?" She asks after a silence sunk into the air and I open my mouth to speak but I can't find the right words to say.
"Because I can-I don't know..I can change. If that's what you want" she mumbles and I try to swallow the lump in my throat.
"It's not you Lauren" I say quietly "can't you just let it go?" I inquire and I see her shift so she's staring right at me over the fire, her eyes alight with the flames.
"Why Camila? I don't want to, I want us, a lot. It's all I think about lately and how perfect we'd be, but you keep pushing me away" she says to me and I look away from her gaze.
"You deserve better" I mumble before lying down with my back to her. Silence filled my ears apart from the crackle of the fire and I hear footsteps until I feel her lie down beside me, her body holding mine making me feel safer than I've ever felt before in my life.
"I deserve you" she whispers into my neck and don't respond as she wraps her arms around my waist. I pretend to be asleep so I don't have to push her off me, but we both know I was awake, and I was falling harder by every heartbeat.