ᴠᴇɴᴛ ᴀᴄᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ

kinda sad that im not into the stuff i would've went crazy for.
          
          like i was playing ddlc and i realized that I don't really fuck with it anymore. kinda weird think to cry about

Just had a breakdown and I ripped my favorite plushie.
          
          
          I'm not really upset about that, I can fix it. Just needed an outlet.

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with them. 
          
          
          
          (Stares at her from a closet 10 feet away because she'll probably see this and feel bad)

casually tries to kms simply because I don't like being wrong
          
          
          
          LIFE'S A GAMBLE AND IT'S UP TO YOU IF YOU'RE GONNA WIN IT YOLO!!!!!!
          
          (don't follow my advice, you'd prolly die)

while playing video games with my cousin he was really angry that I didn't care if I won or lost. He said that makes the game less fun to play.
          
          When I explained why, he brought up a conversation we had a few years back and said "You have that 'nothing matters because I won't be here tomorrow' mindset, and it's so annoying." 
          
          guys im in SHAMBLES?!?

my parents taught me that all relationships are transactional and then getting angry when I display that trait that they engraved into me:
          
          its honestly so draining whenever doing someone does something for me and then my immediate thought is "what can I give them back?"
          
          like i buy my girlfriend shit because she's so sweet to me. I'd spend money on all of my friends if I could (but a lot of them r online..sigh....)
          
          anyways MAJOR FUCK YOU TO MY PARENTS FOR FUCKING ME UP YIPPEEE!!

i hate how when my birthday rolls around my parents suddenly don't have money.
          
          My sister just got three whole book series, an art set, and another random book for her birthday yesterday.
          
          She also got 50$ and ANOTHER book series last year.
          
          All I wanted was one book. 
          
          writing this out i actually feel like a brat for feeling so angry about it, this is embarrassing

i wanna just explain to someone how much i hate my dad but i feel like that's all i am nowadays
          
          just pure hatred smh

i hate that my parents will never know while i feel the way that i feel about them because their heads are so far up their asses.
          
          i hate even more that i have to rely on people like them to live.
          sigh.

sometimes i doubt that i'm human, purely because of the way that I process things.
          
          I'm overly aware by how I sometimes lack emotion where it's needed.  
          
          I don't feel things normally, or as strongly as others. Sometimes, it feels like I'm wearing a mask to fit in.
          
          It feels so..off, when people come to me for help. 
          
          And I try my best to give advice, i really do, but it feels like it's coming out empty.
          
          I feel like that's why it kinda hurts when they told me that my advice wasn't helpful?
          
          I  don't know. That sounds like a shallow reason.
          
          
          I feel more like Mafuyu, you know?
          
          Like I feel really empty, and I really want to disappear, but when I do feel something, I really don't know what it is, or where to place it.