noapollogies
clearly, the only superior thing to sniff is fun dip—the only powder worth getting high on—i stand by what i say, tried, tested, true method.
noapollogies
princedreamy-
hi hello
-PRINCEOFGODS
↝ yasss pfp
-PRINCEOFGODS
DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.
SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?
DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?
SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?
DONKEY
Nope.
SHREK
Really?
DONKEY
Really, really.
SHREK
Oh.
DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?
SHREK
That would be my home.
-PRINCEOFGODS
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.
DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.
SHREK
Why are you following me?
DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...
SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.
-PRINCEOFGODS
DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.
-PRINCEOFGODS
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!
GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.
-PRINCEOFGODS
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
-PRINCEOFGODS
DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
-PRINCEOFGODS
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.
GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD
Next!
GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.
LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.