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“here’s my super cool room described so you get a 200 word break from my mindset. anyway back to my thoughts now: i am being mistreated so hard but somehow im the bad guy”

i love my cats but they do not understand the urge to dance. our ape siblings would

an ape actually. like if there were an orangutan with me they’d get me so hard. chimpanzee? they’d maybe beat me to a pulp but they would also do a jig. a bonobo would start playing the guitar for me so i could dance more

we’re alright again btw. as in im no longer angry at her out of trigger response. don’t want to date her either but we’re proper friends again from my perspective (from hers i believe we never stopped being so but my ability to be normal is severely underdeveloped)

the only time i saw her sincerely triggered (despite how often she pretended to have panic attacks on camera (by hiding most of her face under a blanket and just talking less after saying "i'm sad pls call me ):")) is when i said she might be autistic. turns out she was called ableist slurs while growing up & was already diagnosed despite her denying that she was to me at first. so yeah she has legitimate ptsd and i'm willing to believe that, it simply has absolutely NOTHING to do with sexual abuse

anyway i hate how weak early trauma has made me because this could have just been a funny story that lasted significantly less long but nope to me it had to be traumatic

her explanation was longer and initially sounded more sensible ("i was in an abusive relationship when i was 12 and got a perpetrator introject from that who mimicked an abuser and is therefore also a pedophile") but then the longer it went on the less sense it made and the more it suddenly applied to ALL her "alters" ("actually the relationship only took a week lol and she just ghosted me throughout and i still hate her for that and she was also exactly my age so nothing happened but my brain felt that that wasn't bad enough to be traumatized by so the alter that split is worse and has csa pseudomemories. not that those bother me btw i don't have any ptsd from them but i DO think they're hot. oh yeah anyway our roleplays are pseudomemories too now except that you were actually abusive in said pseudomemories so it's justified when i want to vividly describe in detail how i'd rape you every day. yeah i know you said that it's triggering when i imagine you as a child in those but i waited half a year so now i'm gonna go there again anyway. how DARE you focus on a different hobby than me omg are you abusing me")

jealousy is not at all attractive. it's a human emotion and i get that, but acting on it is not rational. if you only feel sure in your relationship when isolating your partner i do not like you.

you have written your wall full with their name and made a perfume mimicking their scent? well okay that’s a little weird but you do you. you imagine vivid conversations with them literally 24/7 and have written tens of pages about them? relatable. you get mad when they talk to someone else? stop. don't do that. wtf lol

also, when white room syndrome is eradicated suddenly the story is automatically fuller already than before, even if the actual plot remains the same

i managed with bugs eating eyes tho lol. but not since then

maybe ptsd has skewed my perception on what's actually inflammatory. anyway

it's a day later but i should mention that the inflammatory things are never said to be inflammatory. they ARE inflammatory but never just to be an asshole. i just feel too at ease and then start saying stupid things. but apparently it's not that bad because i one time came to apologize about it a day later to a friend and she looked at me like i was crazy and just went "huh wtf are you talking about"

i love them too though so maybe that helps

epic fantasy with too much focus on superpowers etc becomes hollow so quickly. it can be extremely fun but you DO need to actually feel the characters if you know what i mean - otherwise it's just grandiose claims of glory or horror that say nothing at all in the end