jah

but what if the man we love kena kangkang then we don't get to married him bcs of that & years later he's back again & conscious 

mak sayang bilang,
          
          "kalau rasa nervous itu biasa. diusia muda, kamu akan sentiasa merasakan seperti itu kerana kamu masih belum ketemu apa-apa yang baru. seperti aku, umur pun sudah banyak dan banyak hal sudah dipertemukan. masih rasa janggal dan gementar cuma sudah tidak separas lapan."

it's not that i don't understand. 
          
          faham je he didn't make enough money to support himself tapi takkanlah sampai everything nak berkira. i don't think i can see him as someone who could support & care abt me throughout my life.

i was thinking if crying 

I can't find other reason to love you.
          
          not even i love you works.
          

it would be a lie if i said 
          loving you is like enjoying a movie that gets hyped by people on social med when you're just and overrated movies.

i even hate you, 
          for not posting me, 
          recording me, 
          picturing me, 
          
          like the way you did to her, 
          like the way you try to remember her, 
          like the way you see her in me, 
          
          remember me? 
          that one time leaving me was hard for you, 
          because curving my lips downward reminded you of her. 
          
          remember me? 
          that one time hearing me crying was cute to you, 
          when all you wanna hear was her soft voices in me. 
          
          remember me? 
          when you stuffed food in my mouth not bcs you wanted to? 
          bcs all you wanna do was pinch her cheeks out of me, 
          
          bcs she was the girl you want. 
          and i was there to make your fantasy become reality. 
          
          and i hate myself for that. 
          for going through you archive story, 
          to see if you really happy. 
          
          and i was right. 
          you were so happy, 
          
          enjoying the time you don't even care to spend for her, 
          while im still here from time to time, 
          begging you to make at least a little tiniest time you have, 
          to invest it to me. 
          
          so you'd be happy. 
          i promise you, 
          you WILL be happy. 
          
          but happy only works on you and her, 
          and that what happy really means for you. 
          
          because you love her. 
          you want her to be the one and i was there. 
          for you to take me as granted. 
          
          a rebound. 
          a great replacement. 
          
          i want you to randomly post me, 
          randomly record me, 
          and randomly picture me. 
          
          like how you used to do to her. 
          
          and i desperately want to become the one you love too. 
          
          am i asking you too much? 
          or you just couldn't do it anymore, 
          bcs of your past? 
          
          but i am now your future, 
          the who would love to live with you, 
          forever. 
          
          can you not at least look at me? 
          the way you ,yourself want to look at me, 
          and her is not what you remember.
          
          but me.

this time. i'll let my ego win. you can stfu now feelings cuz nobody ever make you feel mattered. you need to remember that. if he leaves then let him be. 

feels like you just there. you never tried to be permanent. 

you just someone i have not someone who would really sacrifice theirself for me.