𝕸𝖎𝖐𝖊𝖞 ♠️

Got inspired while listening to:

“13am (DELTARUNE chapter 3+4 soundtrack) - Toby Fox”
“12am  (DELTARUNE chapter 3+4 soundtrack) - Toby Fox”
“Glowing Snow (DELTARUNE chapter 3+4 soundtrack) - Toby Fox”

Ever since my nose got broken on the 20. May this year 2025, things have been strange.

Had to undergo surgery, my body was shut off completely.
When I woke up, I started hyperventilating (as usual) and my bpm was 150.

Kind of lost my mind there.
A tamponade was inserted in my nose also.
For 3 days, I was in the hospital.

Then the Tamponade was removed (worst experience ever) and the next week, the cast was removed.

Ever since that day, my nose got broken, something in my brain chemistry seemingly changed.

Whenever I eat grapes, specifically the green ones, I see blood, I taste blood.
On the day, my nose got broken, it was due to someone being violent, there was no accident, no mistake.

Blood poured down my face, down my throat, I tasted so much of it, weirdly eating grapes brings back that memory.

Finished watching INTERSTELLAR.
I have seen it a while ago before, although I was unfortunately not able to finish it.

Now with having watch said ending, I am even more in love with this film.
10/10.

Top 3 best films I have ever seen.
Very well made, I love it a lot.
I am also glad, that there was no romance between Cooper and Amelia.

It would not have fit the narrative, also cool, how both Plans were fulfilled, I love space, I love everything about it.

As a kid, I dearly wanted to work at NASA.
Okay, I wanted many jobs, but exploring space was one of my biggest dreams.

Wish I had the mathematical prowess and technical knowledge required for such job, but all is well, at least I can work with space on an artistic level.

Heavily recommended film.

The final boss fight with the titan was quite difficult, I needed 2 days.
For some reason, looking up the length of the fight greatly motivated me and I won after that revelation.

The only reason, why Chapter 4 barely missed out on the 10/10 is that stupid Jack fight, that stupid pumpkin, I hate him.

I truly despise him with all my heart, I have become his number 1 hater.
Dare I might say, that my hatred for him is possibly stronger than Wario or Waluigi and I have despised them since I was a kid.

If Jack that stupid pumpkin had cancer and I had the cure, I would refuse to hand it out to him, but this is more of a personal beef I have with him rather than a quality issue with the game.

I am sure, others enjoy him.

Wow lots of firsts this year!
First nose bleed, first broken bone and now first surgery.

You know, staying in that hospital room was oddly depressing.
Not because of the atmosphere, it was lovely, so was the food.

Of course, I was under lots of pain, I still am.
However, I was thinking of women lots.

How much I love them with my entire soul, I just want to lay in my lover’s arms, as she caresses my hair and gives me innocent kisses on the head.

Why can I not have this peaceful love without the risk of losing my entire family?
What is so dirty about that?

What is so sinful about that?
Sorry, perhaps I am still under the influence under the medication and the circumstances and the deep, sapphic longing, which will never leave my heart.

I cannot even bring myself to be jealous of others being in love, I just grow depressed, whenever I see joyful couples with supportive families.

There should be nothing wrong about my attraction.
I still wish to marry, settle down, cook and clean and merely cuddle.

There is nothing perverted about that, I desire the exact same things as my heterosexual counterparts, just with a different interest.

I have bought so many things, for a lover I could never have while keeping my family, bought a whole strawberry shortcake Picknick blanket.

But I have no reason to use it, so it sits on my couch, every day, staring at me, collecting dust.

I rarely bake and when I do, it is with my mother.
I cannot be both a wife and a daughter.

Sudden deep depression out of nowhere, but I guess that is just me.
The sapphic novels will do, I suppose. 

Oh wow my eating habits have really gone down ever since I was released from the hospital.

No steady meals, just one bread with cheese and some grapes, nothing else.
My daily calorie intake is around 300 - 500.

I used to really enjoy eating.
Lately, I have been so depressed and angry.
Not clinical depression, I mean the feeling.

I just stay in my bed all day and rot.
So much material for art, but I feel TERRIBLE!!!!
Cannot even stand for extended periods of time.

The shape of the daisies on my bed imply a blood puddle, now overgrown with flowers.

You know, this is the bed, I got SA’d on for many years.
Well, at least the main bed, also happened in many other places.

Interestingly, my neighbour, the one who did it for years has the exact same bed as me.

Perhaps I am merely ovulating, but it really does feel like  flowers are blooming in my body…?

As in, healing.

Wow, it has been a while.

I was inspired by the song“Disrespectful” - Doja cat.
I feel like I waste too much of my energy on stupid fights, this is so lame.

This song is kind of a mantra.

It is very different from my usual works, a lot more…grown up?
Usually my songs and poems have more of a dreamlike quality to them.

They are usually very concept driven.
This piece is set in this reality in particular, I am very proud of myself.

I was struggling to come up with something new, this was a much needed change. 

Just read Junji Ito’s “cat diary” and 10/10 book, I really enjoyed it.
Of course I cried over the ending, in fact, tears are still pouring.

A few months ago, I saw a shooting star for the first time in my life.
So I made a wish.

I kept it a secret, in hopes of it being fulfilled.
There is no need to, anymore.

My wish was to be loved.
(Basically asking for a wife.)
I am revealing it, not because it came true.

No, my wish has no rights to remain.
I just want my father to become healthy again.
It destroys me seeing him like that.

Screw love, that is impossible anyways.
Who cares, if being lonely is the price, so be it, because I would even sacrifice my life for him.

Always self reflection is most important.
I always do so.
Today, we talked about over sharing.

Unprompted, I started asking myself, whether I was doing that or not.
The answer was a yes.

So I approached a few people afterwards and apologised, because I felt bad, not because we had an argument, no one even criticised me.

However, that was still important to do, to always admit your own flaws, because no one is perfect.

Islam taught me as a kid, that judging is left to god.
And every negative thought you have on someone, you should first apply on yourself and honestly evaluate your own behaviour and actions.

I could just be a fool and claim, that I am too young for that.
However, I am an adult.

Whether I am 20 or 80.
Does not take away from the seriousness of my life, of my words.

I used to rebel once.
Insult Muslims, there was so much rage.
No longer I feel that.

Of course, I still get angry time to time, my anger is mine, but not me.
I apologise to everyone, I attacked back then.

Even in my rebellion, I kept my lifestyle, my principles, my discipline.
I see this is not the case in the west.

I must admit, in my last sentence, about the west, my ego had spoken.
I was looking down on everyone, I apologise.

That is something, I have yet to unlearn.
Otherwise that might fuel some kind of superiority complex, which would bring me nowhere.

I believe all this loneliness, all this sadness, all these wishes are merely a test.
From the universe.

Everyone gets a gift.
Everyone gets a test.
I believe I am on a journey of learning better patience and acceptance.

This wish for a love was brought upon me for this very reason.
Master Splinter lost his wife and his daughter.

He did not let bitterness darken his heart, like Oroku Saki allowed hatred to poison his mind.

Master Splinter was more naive, carefree, foolish before all this.
This was his lesson, this was his test.

Oroku Saki obviously did not do well.
In the end, his insanity consumed him.
Hamato Yoshi passed on with peace.

Even if he did not achieve his dream of living as a family with Tang Shen and his daughter. 

That was never his fate.
A mere illusion of a dream to test his strength, his hope, his love.