𝕸𝖎𝖐𝖊𝖞 ♠️

*piece not peace haha
There is never peace in this home.
Not with her at least.

Worst part is…she seems so stupid?
The media always portrays people like her as manipulative and cunning. 

She is just:
“Oh you won the argument?
How about I beat you?”

Dumbahh cannot even come up with anything…bruh.
It is kind of embarrassing that THIS is the person, who harms me.

I always lose a couple of brain cells when with her.

Just ordered “Mein Kampf”.
The criticised version.
There is one, where it is kind of like “community notes” on Twitter.

Where someone writes something stupid and there is a paragraph (or several) debunking it.

Except for the whole book.
Excited for it!
Will review it, once I am done, I have read, that it is a long book.

Apologies for saying so little about it, I am upset, because of my father’s condition.
Living with someone who is chronically ill really takes a toll on one.

These past few months…years even…my whole life perhaps…the autism allegations have been haunting me.

Wherever I go, at least (!) one person asks me, if I am on the spectrum or just says that I definitely need to get it checked.

People even go into specifics, such as Asperger’s.
You know, it really does not help my case, that people with autism regularly relate to my comments on YouTube.

Or that my favourite skeleton is Papyrus.
Or that my favourite turtle is 2012 Mikey, though he is more on the ADHD coding side of it, I believe, that would still make him neurodivergent.

Or that I perhaps indulge myself in posts tagged in “autism” on tumblr and say “me” to all of them.
Yes, I have a short tumblr phase again.

But that is merely a trick, posts everywhere are designed to be easy to consume, if people cannot relate to it, they will not really respond.

Which is why No one reads my works.
It is fine, I use this as some sort of public diary, anyone could stumble upon it.

Still, I ask myself, how much of my belief is true and how much of it is just me coping with the fact, that I have a suspicious connection to autistic people, they have indirectly adopted me several times as one of their own.

I am never beating the allegations…

Just finished reading:
“The Henna Wars” by  Adiba Jaigirdar.
10/10.

Though I am not Bengali, I finally felt…truly immersed in a book.
I felt understood, seen.

Because yes, it is a sapphic love story.
But it is not white.
Not a western story about a western protagonist with different morals.

I truly could relate to the story for once, could truly see myself in it.
I never admitted this publicly.

Alongside with my fully Turkish roots, I also have very prominent Kurdish heritage, which I have denied for so long, because I felt ashamed of it.

The story gave me hope, that my people could accept me one day perhaps.
Even though we tend to be hard headed, I still wish, to one day be cherished, like my heterosexual brothers and sisters.

If it does not happen in my lifetime, I wish for others, that come after me, to be accepted for who they are, by their culture and accepted for where they come from, from their new home.

Just played Mario Kart World.
Have been trying it out these past a few days.
9/10.

Very good game, action-packed, out-of-control, entertaining. 
The items are killing me, they are so chaotic haha

Really testing me there.
Love the costumes, the new modes, the new tracks. 
Definitively recommended.

Got inspired while listening to:

“13am (DELTARUNE chapter 3+4 soundtrack) - Toby Fox”
“12am  (DELTARUNE chapter 3+4 soundtrack) - Toby Fox”
“Glowing Snow (DELTARUNE chapter 3+4 soundtrack) - Toby Fox”

Ever since my nose got broken on the 20. May this year 2025, things have been strange.

Had to undergo surgery, my body was shut off completely.
When I woke up, I started hyperventilating (as usual) and my bpm was 150.

Kind of lost my mind there.
A tamponade was inserted in my nose also.
For 3 days, I was in the hospital.

Then the Tamponade was removed (worst experience ever) and the next week, the cast was removed.

Ever since that day, my nose got broken, something in my brain chemistry seemingly changed.

Whenever I eat grapes, specifically the green ones, I see blood, I taste blood.
On the day, my nose got broken, it was due to someone being violent, there was no accident, no mistake.

Blood poured down my face, down my throat, I tasted so much of it, weirdly eating grapes brings back that memory.

Finished watching INTERSTELLAR.
I have seen it a while ago before, although I was unfortunately not able to finish it.

Now with having watch said ending, I am even more in love with this film.
10/10.

Top 3 best films I have ever seen.
Very well made, I love it a lot.
I am also glad, that there was no romance between Cooper and Amelia.

It would not have fit the narrative, also cool, how both Plans were fulfilled, I love space, I love everything about it.

As a kid, I dearly wanted to work at NASA.
Okay, I wanted many jobs, but exploring space was one of my biggest dreams.

Wish I had the mathematical prowess and technical knowledge required for such job, but all is well, at least I can work with space on an artistic level.

Heavily recommended film.

The final boss fight with the titan was quite difficult, I needed 2 days.
For some reason, looking up the length of the fight greatly motivated me and I won after that revelation.

The only reason, why Chapter 4 barely missed out on the 10/10 is that stupid Jack fight, that stupid pumpkin, I hate him.

I truly despise him with all my heart, I have become his number 1 hater.
Dare I might say, that my hatred for him is possibly stronger than Wario or Waluigi and I have despised them since I was a kid.

If Jack that stupid pumpkin had cancer and I had the cure, I would refuse to hand it out to him, but this is more of a personal beef I have with him rather than a quality issue with the game.

I am sure, others enjoy him.

Finished watching “The Truman show”.
10/10.
I enjoyed it a lot.

Especially the cinematography towards the end, it was beautiful.
Though…it is not recommended for people with any type of paranoia.

Wow lots of firsts this year!
First nose bleed, first broken bone and now first surgery.

You know, staying in that hospital room was oddly depressing.
Not because of the atmosphere, it was lovely, so was the food.

Of course, I was under lots of pain, I still am.
However, I was thinking of women lots.

How much I love them with my entire soul, I just want to lay in my lover’s arms, as she caresses my hair and gives me innocent kisses on the head.

Why can I not have this peaceful love without the risk of losing my entire family?
What is so dirty about that?

What is so sinful about that?
Sorry, perhaps I am still under the influence under the medication and the circumstances and the deep, sapphic longing, which will never leave my heart.

I cannot even bring myself to be jealous of others being in love, I just grow depressed, whenever I see joyful couples with supportive families.

There should be nothing wrong about my attraction.
I still wish to marry, settle down, cook and clean and merely cuddle.

There is nothing perverted about that, I desire the exact same things as my heterosexual counterparts, just with a different interest.

I have bought so many things, for a lover I could never have while keeping my family, bought a whole strawberry shortcake Picknick blanket.

But I have no reason to use it, so it sits on my couch, every day, staring at me, collecting dust.

I rarely bake and when I do, it is with my mother.
I cannot be both a wife and a daughter.

Sudden deep depression out of nowhere, but I guess that is just me.
The sapphic novels will do, I suppose. 

Oh wow my eating habits have really gone down ever since I was released from the hospital.

No steady meals, just one bread with cheese and some grapes, nothing else.
My daily calorie intake is around 300 - 500.

I used to really enjoy eating.
Lately, I have been so depressed and angry.
Not clinical depression, I mean the feeling.

I just stay in my bed all day and rot.
So much material for art, but I feel TERRIBLE!!!!
Cannot even stand for extended periods of time.

The shape of the daisies on my bed imply a blood puddle, now overgrown with flowers.

You know, this is the bed, I got SA’d on for many years.
Well, at least the main bed, also happened in many other places.

Interestingly, my neighbour, the one who did it for years has the exact same bed as me.

Perhaps I am merely ovulating, but it really does feel like  flowers are blooming in my body…?

As in, healing.

Wow, it has been a while.

I was inspired by the song“Disrespectful” - Doja cat.
I feel like I waste too much of my energy on stupid fights, this is so lame.

This song is kind of a mantra.

It is very different from my usual works, a lot more…grown up?
Usually my songs and poems have more of a dreamlike quality to them.

They are usually very concept driven.
This piece is set in this reality in particular, I am very proud of myself.

I was struggling to come up with something new, this was a much needed change. 

Just read Junji Ito’s “cat diary” and 10/10 book, I really enjoyed it.
Of course I cried over the ending, in fact, tears are still pouring.