f a l l i n g

life for me is just constantly "woohoo" and then "wait" immediately followed by "i hate everything" and then "i'm lonely someone hug me" which leads into "lmao look at this meme"
it's a cycle that repeats multiple times per minute

problems:
-trans self doubt
-recently diagnosed w/ anxiety
-self esteem issues
-crying a lot
-possible sensory processing disorder

"cause daddy's in denial, daddy doesn't wanna feel"
"i don't wanna be your friend, i wanna kiss your lips"
"i apologize for all your tears, i wish i could be different"
"love me, love me, say that you love me"
"put your head on my shoulder"
"i'm not your party favor"
"enjoy yourself... just leave me for somebody else"
"are you bored yet?"
"i just kinda wish you were gay"
"crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts"
"real sweet, but i wish you were sober"

so he writes fiction to cover up the fact that the fiction is not fiction but his story, and he cannot change the fact that although they tell him that his story is not ready for the world, the world is really not ready for his story. so he writes his poems, and he writes pages and pages, and they will never be published, because they are not ready, and the world is not ready, and maybe he's not ready either. so he reads love stories at 2AM under the covers, and he cannot hide from the truth that he is always slightly disappointed when the guy gets the girl, because he feels like the other boy. the boy who was ready for the guy. who was always there for him. who was waiting. but the universe decided it would not be so. so he goes back into his room, and closes the closet door, and reads straight love stories at 2AM because he can not find any gay ones at the bookstore. he looks for love, and he gives but never finds, and he has more heartbreaks than he should. but he can't help it. and he's really sorry.