Andy

I dont want to be a mother if this is how i'll turn out to be too. 

I was hungry anxious and then she treated me with that blank stare, indifferent insensitive and ignorant person. Such people should not be mothers. I resent her for bringing me to this world. How irresponsible. Why give birth when you cant nurture or provide for them emotionally. Are we animals. Just needing food?

How can she be so insensitive, she drives me crazy. Hitting forehead is a cry for help, attention and consolation. Why is she so untouched and irritatingly ignorent. Why can't I handle my own anxieties. Filed taxes two years but don't remember if that was for 21-22, 22-23 then did i not file for 23-24 last year? What about 24-25 now? Which one is it. Whats going on. Where is the second file. I tried so hard and yet nothing is organised, nothing is fullproof. I'm exhausted. I don't want to do anything. When will all this vanish. Tortured  hate this

Pitiful pathetic existence why don't you stop existing? 

This won't hurt. You'll make it, you're a warrior. On the count of three. One. Two. AAAAA. 
          
          the winter king, arthur.

That moment when you get back home stuff and your uptight dad judge them and look unimpressed and it brings your world to a crashing stop and then it angers you, the audacity to judge instead of appreciating whatever I managed to bring, the audacity and immaturity to not hype about it nor frankly say something sweet to dismiss it but to actually act like the prick that he is, a pretentious fake connoisseur at some famous michelin restaurant breathing down his huge bulbous nose. Like oh shut up. Eat it with a smile or don't. I couldn't care less. I had good thoughts when I brought them, if you can't appreciate it, well okay I don't care. I'm not going to feel bothered about it because your dumb opinions won't mean much to me once you start behaving so rudely. I was kind, I was sweet, I tried, I had good intentions, I'm not going to bend my back now to please you. You're not my king, lord your highness. You're just another human like me. 

Back here and still missing don't know what. Restless because the diploma course hasn't started yet, nobody replied, no idea when it would begin, if it would. Scared about dalf exam.

While you are out there, partying and drinking with your friends, I'm slowly missing you lesser by the day, as this hole that I have in my chest is being filled by the attention given by someone else. So run along, lose me like you're letting go of me every minute and soon I'll be so far, beyond your reach. And I'll forget you too, like we forget old roll numbers once we change class. 

This is when I miss him, becayse I want to tell him about the small things in my life. How A's mom made lasagna for dinner and invited me to eat with them. How my cramps were killing me last night and I wished he was with me then. How I feel so tired tonight and wish we were spending the night together, watching a movie and sitting side by side on his sofa in the little home theatre. I want to ask him if he'll be free anytime next week, can we go clubbing on sunday? Would he be free to see me off at part dui on the day I leave leo? I want to know how his party is going, did he meet any new girls, does he find them attractive, is he still thinking of me? Does he talk about me with his friends? But ofcourse, none if these matter. I wouldn't even share any of these thoughts with him. His room will still have his ex's books and a mysterious pink brush that was ready for me to use from day 1, he will never vdo call me and we will never really be together. So, all these thoughts will circle about in my head and die suffocated within my mind.

When you feel restless because of anxiety, thoughts spinning and exhausting you. That's how I feel now. I want to cry and vomit and sit in my bed under the blanket all day.