Wuthering

Is it stupid of me to continue looking for words no longer there?

sometimes I refuse to believe that years have past, that there have been times where it feels like my lungs might be eating themselves out. Sometimes I find myself not understanding, sometimes I find myself forgetting, forgiving. Worst of all, sometimes I find myself not caring and only hold the selfish desire for it to go back to the way that it was. I think I might be willing to live in empty discord calls, and I think that may be a sign that the avarice in me may spread far deeper than I would care to admit. 
          
          I will not admit the envy, the gluttony that overtakes my insides. I will refuse it if it makes sure that I do not loose them. I will deny it, I shall never let it see the light. I shall bury it nine feel under. I shall cremate it and light myself on fire so the ash will never be paid attention to.
          
          I will drown myself. I will bruise my knees and bones, I will feel my veins snap. I will split apart my skin with my own nails and teeth. I will gouge my eyes out. I will do it and they will laugh at the truths I let slip out. I will laugh along with them, ignoring the disgust in myself. The feeling of acid burning me inside out. I will pull apart my skin.
          
          If all to keep myself sane. If all to deny myself. If all to protect them. If all to let them live, with or without me. If all to make them forget. 
          
          -?

https://pin.it/vcTlqKP

fun fact:
          
          I have a one-shot book with around 104 one-shots but unpublished it because I never got around to finishing more than maybe 5

enjoy these meme's i found instead of writing
          
          https://www.pinterest.de/pin/21321798225942339/
          
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          https://www.pinterest.de/pin/2181499810123506/
          
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          https://www.pinterest.de/pin/16536723622665393/
          
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          https://www.pinterest.de/pin/AYH7XuFOQjA6qxwjLD7kSJ5gw9xwL-Itr9U5hiaCghP6vw5w4hAd5bs/
          
          https://www.pinterest.de/pin/563018682486092/
          
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          https://www.pinterest.de/pin/1477812356283093/
          
          https://www.pinterest.de/pin/1477812368710849/

time changes like the falling of sand and breaking of glass it changes like shadows and hues of the sky getting darker and darker for that, is what time is
          
          the bringing of wrinkles and the melting of icecream 
          
          the change in people and the pause between words
          
           time is the fear of death slowly subsiding and the fear of oblivion clawing and howling at you 
          
          
          time 
          
          
          its the ending of a letter and the closing of a book
          
          
          its the change you take on and the words you say
          
          
          the diffrence between was, now and then 
          
          
          its pauses and blinks
          
          each  movement and every discovery
          
          its all brought together, it has already hapened it is happening and it will happen
          
          
          but oneday, you will leave it in the past one day never thinking and always forgotten
          
          
          it will become dust eventually all records dissapearing
          
          but maybe you should have made the moat of it while you still had time left
          
          
          -¿
          

I am in love with the smell of wax. the way that the  flames on a candle burn so hight flickering and spluttering and casting ghostly shadows that seem to move. the way it distructs everything around and burns, more graceful than anything else. beautifly. gorgeously. the way the flame reflects on eyes like glass and taints our skins a sunset. maybe thats all we ever were the wax burning dancing with frace in these empty hally of my hollowed hearts
          
          Fire
          
          out past, future and the present 
          
          fire
          
          -¿

the humans next door are currently having a fire and i can see the way that the gold light tints the green wals as the fire flicker 
          
          the sky hints a thunder but only flashing lights are to be seen
          
           im writing this in the dark outside and all the lights are off because there is like a brown out going on 
          
          
          the street lights just turned on
          
          the sky was so beautiful and the wind was cold yet its humid 
          
          i got a new haircut today and it fewls like a missing tooth, i miss it and i keep forgeting that i had it cut but i know that i'll get used to it 
          
          a picture, i tried to take but can you capture a moment so nostalgic and full of bliss
          
          and i regret not absorbing my self in it enough
          
          but it was gorgeous while it lasted and hey, the power is back 
          
          but the fire is still there so no, i have not wasted that moment, and neither have you

~ATTENTION~
          
          YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BE SHOWERED WITH LOVE
          ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
          SO ENJOY!!!
          
          
          now post this on everyone's wall who you think deserves all the love in the world
          If you get:
          1 back: you are loved
          2 back: you are popular
          3 back: you are one of the most lovable people out there

It is currently a saturday afternoon, school started a week ago or so, and i'm listening to cavetown, animal kingdom on spotify , i'm going through my old works, editing some, posting some, and i'm doing alot better than i was a year or two before. Sure, school is stressful somrtimes but theres always something to smile about during the day, i'm really proud how far i've come.
          I apoligise about how i hadn't been active for a while but vent-space has been updated and i hope you guys have been doing alright <3