STAN PINES!

☞ ┌ ЅƬЄƤ ƦƖƓӇƬ ƲƤ ƬƠ ƬӇЄ MƳSƬЄƦƳ SӇƛƇƘ! ┘ ☜

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❝Sσυηɗѕ Ɩιкє ѕσмєтнιηg α яєѕρσηѕιвƖє ραяєηт ωσυƖɗη'т ωαηт уσυ ɗσιηg... Ɠσσɗ тнιηg ǀ'м αη υηcƖє! Aνєηgє мє, кιɗѕ! AƲƐƝƓƐ MƐ!!!❞

That's right, folks, it's Stan Pines, Mr. Mystery himself, here to show you the weirdest of the weird sciencey things of Gravity Falls!
Look what we've got here! A magic bag! Just put your money in and see what happens!

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❝Rємємвєя ƒσℓкѕ, ωє ρυт тнє 'ƒυη' ιη 'Ɲσ Rєƒυη∂ѕ!'❞

Hold on, I gotta take this call.
Enrico? You got the pugs? Put 'em in the back near the- WHAT? You lost them? We're dead!

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❝ǀ ɗση'т υηɗєяѕтαηɗ! Ɯнαт ɗιɗ ǀ ɗσ тнαт ωαяяαηтѕ тнιѕ мυcн αяяєѕтιηg?!❞

I got two nieces-- I mean a niece & a nephew. Mabel and Dipper. They're huge nuisances, but I put up with 'em. And a twin brother, who I sacrificed 30 years to get back into our own dimension. Plus Wendy & Soos. They're great.

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❝Sσσѕ, ωσυƖɗ ιт вє ωяσηg тσ ρυηcн α cнιƖɗ?❞

I have about a million followers. Most of them are the police. But they're still followers.