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How do I keep going between “eh.. maybe I’m over them..” to “holy fuck I’m down bad” literally in a course of a day. Whatishappening

What the fuck has this week even been

It’s been a shit day but hey my teacher asked me if I’d be interested in being stage manager (I said no, I’m not confrontational enough, but she said she wants to consider me for assistant stage manager though!)

I get surprised and kind of happy when I get a follow on here because I’m like wow, people are still active?? 
          
          Until I realize it’s a bot with p0rn links in their bio. Aaand then it’s report and blockkk

Oh how I just love remembering the fact that I’m no one’s #1. I have friends, good friends, but I’m no one’s BEST FRIEND. I’m never anyone’s first option. My texts are ignored. They’re becoming a little group without me. I just sit there while they talk, part of the conversation but not really. I hoped this group wouldn’t make me feel this way, that all of this wouldn’t happen again. But it is. I want to have someone that I can go to about anything but I can’t talk to anyone about anything important in my life I don’t have one of those people and it’s tearing me apart inside

If my orientation today (friends wise) is a peek into this year, good fucking luck to me

Rereading my ”slightly poetic rants” book which was all stuff from my freshman year, now I’m going into junior year. Freshman me really could’ve used some help. Sure as hell not doing wonderful now, but freshman me was not doing so good. Some of those hit pretty damn hard still, esp because a few were just early drafts for an English project. The first one was just a rant not for English (obviously or else I probably would’ve seen a counselor by now bc my teacher was a mandated reporter) but shit that hits hard, and is lowkey kinda good.

Yk when there’s someone you like and then they do or say one small thing that suddenly makes you feel like you don’t like them anymore? Ig it’s good bc I wanted to stop liking them but it was such a sudden like “oh.” And it’s not even a big thing it’s not like they’re racist or smthn, ig I’ll see if this is a temporary “ick” or if this actually made me stop liking them

I hate that when I go out and have fun with friends I end up in a fucking depressive hole afterwards. Not a like.. I miss my friends kind of hole, the kind of depressive hole where I want to stop replying to anyone and everyone even though they didn’t do anything. I’m just so fucking tired.

Check check one two three anyone there?