This is Fungus. I speak to you with great urgency. It is necessary that I release these documents from my underground vaults so that you, the reader, can save yourselves. For she is coming, and so is he. And so am I, but not for the same reason. They are also going to be here, but they will be with me, so there's no reason to worry about them. But you should worry about him and her.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Fungus.
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