Suicidal

Baby- 
          
          I have not posted here for a while. But I miss you every single day: when I saw a baby, or when I saw a girl, or when it is a holiday, or when we travel without you. 
          
          It is 2024 but I do not want to say bye to 2023, or 2022 or 2021. I hope I can go back up 2020 to the day so I can change everything.  I wish I could stay with you that day so you would never find any opportunity to stay home by yourself.  I should have checked in and ensure you were ok when they texted me to come home by 7:30pm. If I checked I would never allow Dad take your brother out and leave you by yourself. 
          
          I should also have told you if you are not here nobody will help mommy shop for beautiful clothes, nobody will text me silly emojis as well as texts telling me she loves me…. nobody, if your brother is not available, will take care mommy when I am sick or older. This might help you change your mind? 
          
          I wanted to tell you millions of times that I love you and hug you gazillion times, and keep snuggling with you and won’t let you go, my baby. 
          
          Baby, one day in my dream of you, I was about to take you to a swimming pool to have fun but then you were kidnapped by others…  I was screaming and rushed to save you .. till I wake up finding you no where to be found. 
          
          Another day, in my dream, I was holding you in my hand and all the sudden you had some life threatening symptoms so I was freak out and tried to save you …. 
          
          All these nightmares. Even so, I was able to at least spend the time with you in these dreams. 
          
          Baby, I got your some Christmas gifts including a dress, I am imagining how tall you are now ….and your brother got you a sculpture with two dolphins, one representing him and one representing you.
          
          Miss you so much Baby. Hope you know that mommy misses you every single day. 

Today is your day, my dear. A day that I will never forget. A day that turned me upside down. A day that unbearable pain kicked in. A day that tore me apart. A day that a hole appeared in my heart. 
          
          Miss you sooooo badly, my baby!! Love you forever, my dearest baby.

It is so hard to say goodbye to the person you love so much. Last several weeks I spent my time taking care of fatter in law who eventually passed away last week. 
          
          Baby, I told him about you and hope he could take good care of you there. Not sure if you got to meet him but he is a very caring and loving grandpa and father. You met D but not his dad. 
          
          All those days the image of when i had to say good bye to you keep showing up. It was tearing my heart apart. Miss you so much baby. Love you!!

Merry Christmas, everyone! 
          
          Baby, mommy miss you. Miss you most during these special days. Merry Christmas, my baby. I wish I could make up the gifts I did not give you when you were away. Mommy is the one who should prepare gifts every year. But I did not since I thought you went away with your dad while I stayed home taking care of your sick brother. What a mistake that I am no longer able to make up for! My baby, I love you. 
          
          When I saw the swim with the dolphins activity, I remember how those dolphins were chasing you. My baby. You were so happy chases by dolphins. I miss you so much and wish I could bring you here with me to Hawaii. You would love to see the fish, the sea turtles. You would love to see so many things and hear your brother’s swim with manta Ray experience. 
          
          Mommy got your a small gift ( other than thd gift we wrapped up for you at home.) Baby, miss you so much!
          
          Merry Christmas! 
          
          Mommy 

Today is Rena’s birthday!
          
          
          Dear Baby — 
          
          Happy Birthday! 
          I brought you flowers, cake and balloons, including one with rainbow shape, since I wish I could meet you again over the rainbow and you can see we celebrate your special day. I brought you candles that put them in a shape like a heart. Hopefully these candles will light up the whole night for you. And hopefully you can feel our love and hear our prayers for you..
          Your brother called in and we sang together. 
          Happy Birthday and I hope you could know how much I love you and we all love you so much. We miss you every single day. The life without you is extremely difficult. Every single girl out there will make me miss you so badly. 
          
          Baby you saw all these nice comments? I am sure you have helped save so many people because I know you have beautiful souls. 
          
          Mom 
          

It has been two years, my baby! It feels like many many many years! I still cannot believe that my sweetest, kindest and smartest girl is gone. 
          
          Baby, mommy loves you! It is like hell that we have been through. Mommy miss you every single day, dreaming that you will come home. I am looking at the school bus, imagining the days when you texted mommy, telling me “I am almost home”. Baby when will you come back home? 
          
          I remember when one day the school bus driver messed up and made me wait for me for an hour longer. The moment you saw me, you cried and told me: mommy I am so sorry. I am so worried about you! You know baby you just melt my heart. 
          
          I remember you were at the hospital and they wanted to force you to stay at the hospital for two weeks, you and me cried and hugged tightly. Baby I do not want yo let you go and so did you.. how come you let go yourself and did not keep your promise of growing up with your dearest brother? You wrote a note that he is the best brother you can ask for. And how come you him and me behind? 
          
          Baby, I just wanted to kiss you, hug you and snuggle with you and tell you that mommy love you and you will never be replaced or forgotten. 

We can not enter the Chinese New Year without you…. My baby. 
          
          Wishing my beautiful girl happy, healthy and pretty forever, no matter where you are. 
          
          Mommy loves you forever. 
          
          Happy Year of the Tiger! 

Happy New Year, my baby! You are in my heart! I miss you so much. I talk to you every day and share with you what happened every day. I hope you hear that. My baby, mommy loves you so much!

Happy New Year, babe! I will post more later. 

Babe, mommy went to get you the Christmas gifts yesterday. I already lighted up the Christmas trees. I know you love cats so I got you several gifts that are associated with cats. We will also get cats some gifts.
          
          Pretty much every year I got you the beautiful dresses and loved to dress you up like a pretty princess.. This year I also got you some warm fuzzy coat. I know you love something comfortable as well. 
          
          Babe I remember 2019 was the most horrible year since you went to vacation with dad while I stayed with your brother. He was sick during the finals so he had to make up exams. I was crazily busy with my work .. and I was such a horrible mom I did not even prepare gifts that year since you were not around.. You was so sad after that and I felt horrible when I heard. I promised to make up for that. I planned to bring you to so many places to have fun and have family time….. but then you did not give me the opportunities… my heart is broken…. I wish you can see the gifts I prepared for you and I wish you can join the ski trip we used to go…, I wish you could join me to visit aunt after the new year! 
          
          Babe, I miss you so much…. Every single day. Your brother came back to visit you the other day. He went to NC with his dad. I got him Christmas gifts too. I am sure he misses you a lot as well.