uɐʇɐs

i told her i’m avoidant, i told her i’m a leaver and i got left, funny isn’t it 

how do i keep losing everyone, maybe i was meant to be alone, i was never made to belong anywhere

do you still think of me as i do you? do you wish for things to be the same as they were years ago yet altogether completely different.. i don’t know what i want but i know i want to know you. it’s been too long and i miss you

i feel like i’m losing you again, slipping through my fingers lost in time and memories

i had a dream about you so i slept a little longer

it’s getting bad again

why is it so hard to deal with anticipatory grief, i know i’m going to lose you, i knew it from the beginning. i didn’t know how bad this would hurt. i knew the moment i held you, it would tear me apart when i’d have to let you go.

i remember when i’d had first found out you used to leave messages here, i’d religiously check them. anything, something. it’s been a minute and i don’t know if i’m even in your orbit anymore. i don’t understand anything you’ve been saying, and i wish i could. they’re cryptic and i feel like we don’t even speak the same language anymore. i hope you know i’m still here. if you’d call, i’d answer. no matter what words have been said, or haven’t in that matter. i don’t know if it’s right of me to say this but i don’t think i could ever afford to lose you. you don’t have to feel the same, i know you don’t. but i think life is so cruelly short i think i’d rather be honest. at least with you. i’m sorry

be honest? 
          i’m not sure what to respond to that.
          
          
          what do you want me to say? 
          
          
          i really wished you’d just ask me what you really want to, because it’s so much easier than trying to decode these cryptic messages. i honestly don’t even know if they’re for me to see anymore.

it's like one step forward and two steps backward, i don't think i understand you anymore. maybe i haven't for a while now